Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I have a new post up today at wendiaarons.com.
Everything with my transfer may not be copacetic yet, so please bear with me while I figure it all out. Yes, I am experiencing technical difficulties. As if I didn't have enough non-technical difficulties to handle. Sheesh.
Posted by LTYM at 2:18 PM
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Or at least a new blog. Mama can't afford any new shoes right now. Or at least any new shoes that don't rhyme with the word "clocks" and squeak when you walk.
You can now find me over at wendiaarons.com.
(Clicking on my old URL, wendi-aarons.com should also take you there, too, I think, once everything's worked out. And if you're one of my two RSS subscribers, both of you should still receive what you usually receive when you usually receive it. Yay for you!)
So, go ahead and click on over to the new blog and let me know what you think. And then watch my head explode while I try to learn Wordpress and put up posts that look like this:
fjeai;eijf mvi';ej i! eEIOPFJEI.
It'll be fun.
Posted by LTYM at 9:41 AM
Monday, May 18, 2009
A few weeks ago, we took the boys to a minor league baseball game where they were given free backpacks. Jack was very excited about his and took it with him to preschool today.
Unfortunately, it wasn't until I picked him up four hours later that I realized there were a few other free items inside the backpack for him to find. And carry around his classroom. His classroom that just so happens to be inside a church.
Like this item, for example:
We're very proud.
Posted by LTYM at 6:24 PM
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
There's a crime wave running rampant in my neighborhood. Thieves casing joints, robbers skulking about and, basically, a bunch of people who are just up to no good whatsoever have all become a problem. At least, that's the impression one gets after reading the e-mails that keep popping up on our subdivision's Listserv.
The first few messages were to alert residents about the dangers in our local grocery store. Apparently, a couple of women recently left their purses in the front of their shopping carts, wandered away to the next aisle to look at food and then, when they returned, their belongings were gone. Gone! Yes, malfeasance in the meat department. What is this world coming to?
I don't want to sound unsympathetic, because I know it sucks to lose your wallet and everything, but come on. You have to watch your stuff, no matter where you are. You just do. But maybe I only feel that way because my mother raised me to be incredibly protective and paranoid about my possessions. In fact, I think her three most often uttered words to me aren't actually "I love you", but "Watch my purse." (Just kidding, mom. But it's pretty darn close.)
Anyway, back to the crime wave: the next few e-mails that went around were from a man who left his wallet in his unlocked car and was then shocked, shocked! when it was stolen. I think his e-mail said "the bad people out there are targeting our neighborhood." Well, of course they're targeting our neighborhood, you genius. Because the people who live here leave their wallets in unlocked cars. It's like shooting fish in a barrel, man. At least lock the doors so the robbers have to work up a sweat by trying to throw a rock through your windshield.
After days spent reading these messages, myself and some of my friends--the other subversives in the subdivision--finally started to send each other e-mails like this one:
Subject: CITIZEN'S ALERT!
Dear Neighborhood Residents:
Last night, I left $2 million dollars in gold bullion and caviar in my front yard with a 2,000-watt spotlight shining right on it. Also, there was a neon sign flashing the words, "LOOK! AN UNATTENDED $2 MILLION DOLLARS IN GOLD BULLION AND CAVIAR! PLEASE, NO TOUCHING! WE'RE ON THE HONOR SYSTEM AROUND HERE! ALTHOUGH, RIGHT NOW WE'RE SOUND ASLEEP BECAUSE WE JUST HAD A LOT OF BENADRYL AND WHISKEY, SO WE PROBABLY WOULDN'T HEAR YOU IF YOU HAPPENED TO LOAD IT UP IN YOUR TRUCK AND SPEED IT AWAY TO YOUR SECRET LAIR!!! BUT PLEASE, DON'T DO WHAT I JUST SUGGESTED RIGHT THEN, OK? THAT PART ABOUT THE LOADING IT UP? THANX!!!"
And believe it or not, fellow residents, this morning when I woke up, I was shocked, shocked! to see that my gold bullion was gone!!! (Not the caviar, though, because it had kind of turned rotten overnight, making it too much of a risk. Even for those thuggy types.) So, beware, all people of this subdivision! There are criminal masterminds in our area using all of their high-tech tricks--like the power of sight--to rip off us innocent people. NO ONE IS SAFE!! I REPEAT, NO ONE!! PLEASE, BE ON HIGH ALERT!
Your neighbor with the runny caviar and neon sign in his yard
Actually, after two weeks of sending obnoxious e-mails like that one around the neighborhood, it's probably a good thing that I'm on high alert.
Posted by LTYM at 4:10 PM
Monday, May 11, 2009
A few months ago, I was sitting around the house with some of my friends, trying to figure out what we should do with our imaginary PhD's in Psychiatry from Harvard Med.
"I know!" yelled Kelcey. "Let's write a textbook detailing the many, many forms of criminal insanity displayed on the show Bret Michaels: Rock of Love!"
"Nah," said Marinka, slamming down her shot glass and wiping her mouth with her fist."That won't work because the only people who'd buy that stupid book are sitting in this room. Besides, then we'd all have nightmares about being ice-picked by a stripper named SinDee."
"Yeah, that's true," muttered Jessica. "I know! Let's work for Oprah! She would so totally hire us to be experts on her show as long as we agreed to agree with everything she said! Plus, I once sat next to Nate Berkus at Bennigan's."
"But, but...if we went to work for Oprah and made millions of dollars and became internationally famous, then how would we ever get all of our housework done?" moaned Heather. "You know how all of us love cleaning and cooking more than anything else in life!"
"True that," said Kelcey.
"Uh-huh, I do loves me some Swiffer," added Marinka.
"Well, then," puzzled Jessica, "just how can we combine our counseling expertise..."
"With our badass domestic skills?" finished Heather.
"Hey, guys! I got it! I got it!" yelled a very youthful and really, quite stunning, me, from my recumbent position on the chaise lounge chair nearest the wetbar. "Now listen--all we have to do is just raise a few mil in venture capital, rent some hip, yet well-lit downtown office space, hire a few hundred obsequious employees, start a huge marketing campaign that makes no sense whatsoever, but stars Ashton Kutcher and a colobus monkey, buy ten or more neon billboards on Sunset Boulevard, start massively infighting days before our big launch, but then right in the midst of the hair pulling, we weepily hug it out in the ladies room and..."
"Or," sighed the rest of the women, as they took away my wine glass and mercilessly tried to strangle me with my own Snuggie, "we could just start another blog, you dumbass."
Oh. Yeah. That we could.
Just click on The Mouthy Housewives, see what we have to say, then leave a comment and maybe even submit a question or two. Trust me, you'll be helping us all out because, between you and me, I really don't think that Oprah gig's gonna pan out.
Posted by LTYM at 7:00 AM
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Make the shocking discovery that it's never a good idea to use the term "douchebag" in a PTA meeting. Even if the person you're talking about just so happens to be a really, really big one. Isn't that right, Angela?
At a party, find out that shaping your hair into a nice, high pompadour while drunkenly screaming, "Look! Look at me! I'm in Big Love, baby! Look! I have compound hair! See it? See it? Now, where my sista wives at? Come on, you bee-yotches! Let's fight! MY Bill Paxton! MY Bill Paxton! Hahahaha! Rawrrr!", is actually not something that will make you popular and fun to be around.
During rare visit to the gym, discover that nobody is impressed by a 17-minute mile. Especially when you tell them you sprinted the whole way.
Learn that, even if you tell your husband that tonight's dinner will be "tender crescents of imported whole-grain pasta smothered in a pool of rich, succulent, sunset-colored baby cheddar and lovingly paired with an organic butter reduction," he still won't be happy you've made box mac 'n cheese again.
While watching a DVD, realize that, after one glass of wine, Matthew McConaughey isn't really such a terrible actor after all. After two glasses of wine, happily take back all of the nasty things you've said about him throughout the years. After three glasses of wine, begin to weep over the nuances he's bringing to the role of a romantic cad with a heart of gold. After four glasses of wine, stand up on the couch and howl, "Mathhhhhewwwwww Mc... Mc... Conorwee!!! I LOVVVVEEEE YEWWWWW!!" After five glasses of wine, rifle through stacks of old US Weeklys and lick pictures of Matthew doing shirtless yoga poses.
Pass out with disc of How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days stuck to right cheek and a hand-written note reading "Help Me" stuck to the left.
Saturday & Sunday
Stay in bed recovering from week full of life lessons. While difficult at times, know the experience was worth it. Relax, meditate and promise to be a better person from now on.
Make the shocking discovery that it's never a good idea to use the term "asswipe" at a PTA meeting. Even if the person you're talking about just so happens to be a really, really big one. Isn't that right, Angela?
Posted by LTYM at 2:00 PM