Monday, February 23, 2009
Good afternoon, Uncle Marvin Industries!
Um, hi. I'm calling about one of your company's ant farms?
Yes! How can I help you?
Well, my son Jack got one for his birthday...
How exciting! Please tell him "Happy Birthday" from us!
His birthday was actually 9 months ago.
See, when his friend Jonah gave him the ant farm for a present, I sort of panicked. To be honest, I wasn't too thrilled by the prospect of actually raising ants in our house. I mean, come on--who likes ants? Not even OTHER ANTS like ants, that's who likes ants. They're nasty, they're greedy and they bite. They're like the Naomi Campbell of the insect world. "Give me my champagne or I'll whack you with my Blackberry, bitch!" Ha, ha! Right?
Uh-huh. Was that a British accent you just used?
Maybe. But you know, I do kind of like the fact that ants have a queen. Sort of makes them more European and regal, don't you think? I mean, rollie-pollies don't have a queen. Probably why they're always getting stepped on. Idiots.
So anyway, I had the ant farm hidden in Jack's closet for a long time, but, unfortunately, Jack has the instincts of a drug-sniffing German Shepherd and he finally found it wedged under 10 boxes of old clothes and a crate of broken party favors. And now he's been bugging me non-stop to set it up. Oops! Did I just say "bugging"? Ha!
Yeah, good one, ma'am. Haven't heard that before.
Anyway, while I was putting together his ant commune, I saw on the instruction sheet that we're supposed to call this number and order ants?
Yes, you sure are!
But can you tell me why I have to ORDER ants? Can't I just go round up a few from my pantry? I'm sure there's at least 40 of them hanging out in the cracker section right now. Maybe 50 if I left the box of Cheez-Its open last night.
Well, ma'am, the ants from Uncle Marvin Industries are special ants. We've radiated them so they're no longer able to reproduce!
Oh. Wow. Can you imagine having THAT job? "Mom, Dad--you'll never guess what I'm doing with my degree from Harvard Med! I'm sterilizing ants! That's right, I'm zapping insect gonads! Ziizzzz! No babies for you, Mrs. Ant! Ziiizzz! Those boys of yours ain't swimmin' no mo, Mr. Ant!" Oh, man! I feel so sorry for the poor, loser bastard who has to do that job, right?
Let me guess...YOU have to do that job.
Yes, ma'am. Sometimes I do.
OK...well, thanks for your help, but I think I'm just gonna go stick a few rollie-pollies in the old farm and call it a day.
Yes, ma'am, I think that's probably the best thing for all of us. Thanks for calling.
Posted by LTYM at 9:15 AM
Monday, February 16, 2009
By Sophie, My 4 Year-Old Neighbor
1. My name's Sophie!
2. I'm 4 years-old! (Holds up three fingers and a thumb.)
3. I live next door to you!
4. That's my house right there! See it see it see it??? THAT'S MY HOUSE!!! Did you know that? Hello, house!
5. My favorite color's pink!
6. Waitwaitwait! I just changed my mind! It's blue! My favorite color's blue! I LOOOOVVVEEEE BLUUUUUEEE SOOOO MUCH I COULD DIE!!!
7. Wait, can you erase that? I like pink now.
8. I really, really, really, really, really love kittens! KITTENS! KITTENS! KITTENNNNSSS!!!
9. And cats!
10. I do NOT like worms. I can't stand worms. Yuck-o! One time, one time, when I was 2, I saw a worm and you know what? You know what? I totally puked up my grilled cheese! It was SOOO GROSS!
11. (Long pause while she tries to kiss a cloud.)
12. How many answers is that? Twelveteen? Fourteen? Eleventy thousand million?
13. I used to be a baby and all I did all day long was go "Wah wah wah!" Isn't that funny? Wah! (Goes into two-minute long giggle fit over her own joke.)
14. Got any cookies around here?
15. (Another long pause while she attempts to lick her right elbow.)
16. Guess what? I have princess pajamas! I LOOOVEEE princesses! And pajamas! I wish I could wear my pajamas ALL DAY LONG, don't you?
17. I really,really, really want to watch Hannah Montana, but my mommy says she's not ready for me to start talking like a teenager yet. What's THAT aposed to mean?
18. My favorite food is...is...anything red!
19. Guess what? My mommy loves to shop! She shops A LOT! Like EVERY DAY!
20-24. Uh-oh. I gotta go potty! (Frantic hopping up and down followed by a mad dash to the bathroom, then a few minutes of confusion while she tries to zip up her pants with her toes because apparently she's now pretending to be an orangutan.)
25. (sigh) Can I go now? After I have a cookie? Pleasepleaseplease?? It won't spoil my dinner, I PROMISE!
Posted by LTYM at 10:00 AM
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF HAZZARD COUNTY:
Getting To Know Y'All
Bobbi Sue, the self-proclaimed "hawtest" housewife of Hazzard County, arranges a party to meet the other ladies. On their way to her house, LaDonna, Lurlene and wildcat Jessie experience a few hours of confusion when they can’t find the right rural route and must outrace a freight train in their Pontiac Firebird. They finally arrive at the party, only to find that Bobbi Sue’s mother JoJo has single-handedly polished off the entire cooler of Pabst Blue Ribbon Lite. Later, Bobbi Sue and Jessie have fun with air guns while Lurlene and LaDonna listen to White Snake and relax in Bobbi Sue’s above-ground pool.
And Baby Makes 5
Chastity Rose, the youngest housewife, meets the other women for the first time at Hazzard County’s newest Mediterranean eatery, Quiznos. Within minutes of arriving, Chastity makes a misstep by saying she went to a junior college orientation one time. This leads to an awkward confrontation with Jessie and LaDonna, who repeatedly ask Chastity if she “thinks she’s smarter than us, well, do ya, chickenshit?” The night ends with sutures and complimentary Baked Lays for all.
Brimming with emotion, Lurlene asks third ex-husband Big Mike if he’ll give her away during her upcoming nuptials to his second cousin Lem. He agrees, but only if she lets his KFC franchise cater the reception. Meanwhile, Jessie’s long awaited vacation to Crayfish Lake turns sour when half-sister Rhea crashes their rented pontoon into a bait shop. They smoke Merits and reminiscence about vocational school while picking at their nail polish and waiting for the authorities to arrive. Across town, Chastity and Bobbi Sue enjoy some illegal fireworks.
It's Hard Out There For A Housewife
A tearful Jessie apologizes to half-cousin Travis for taking his ATV to the Pik ‘n Sav without his permission. Travis forgives her and says he’s just happy she was able to “negotiate” her way out of another DUI with the Po-Po. Meanwhile, LaDonna and Bobbi Sue share a Meat Lover's pan pizza and gossip about Lurlene’s most recent appearance on America’s Dumbest Criminals. They agree that while her hair looked bitchin’, she shouldn’t have ripped off a Walgreen's while wearing a t-shirt airbrushed with her first and last names. Later that night at her son's basketball game, Chastity discovers Red Bull plus Mucinex equals a kick ass buzz.
Livin’ La Vida Hazzard
The ladies are excited to attend the grand opening of Hazzard County’s biggest Dollar Store. Chastity desperately wants to get to know the other housewives better, but Bobbi Sue and LaDonna shamelessly snub her in the $1 tampon/enema aisle. Chastity makes the best of it by flirting with the cashier, who later buys her a $1 kitten sweatshirt and a day’s supply of Oxycontin. Meanwhile, entrepreneur Lurlene struggles to balance the demands of her in-home childcare business with her new venture, a multi-level puppy farm.
Heirlooms & Catfights, Oh, My!
Feeling a financial pinch after replacing the corrugated aluminum roof on her trailer, Bobbi Sue makes the heart-wrenching decision to sell her family’s heirlooms on ebay. Tears flow when someone chooses "Buy Now" on her favorite “Goofy Goes Fishin’” figurine. That evening, the ladies try to have a fun girls’ night out at the Hazzard Chili’s, but a light-hearted discussion about who’s more freakin’ awesome, Stone Cold Steve Austin or The Gravedigger, soon turns ugly, leaving Bobbi Sue with just 2 fingernails and Lurlene with a 10% hearing loss in her right ear.
All’s Well That Ends Well
After her fiance’s request for a conjugal visit is once again denied by the state, Chastity lifts her spirits by taking her 7 half-kids to the local waterpark. She later realizes that she forgot Lil Jim at The Tsunami Lagoon and makes plans to pick him up the next day after her nail appointment. The season ends with Lurlene hosting a glamorous "Pimps 'n Ho's" party at her river house. Her big news that she's expecting an 18th child is tarnished when Bobbi Sue remarks that Lurlene only got knocked up, “So’s she can cash in on being on one them breeder TV shows." The intense and heated wrestling match that follows ends with the housewives sharing a box of wine and hugging it out at the 24-hour Hazzard County Urgent Care facility.
See y'all next season!
Believe it or not, this masterpiece actually had two writers--myself and my lovely friend Cheryl. Each Tuesday, Cheryl & I slam Girl Scout cookies & wine and e-mail each other our genius thoughts while we watch the insane women on "The Real Housewives of Orange County". Good times.
Posted by LTYM at 11:05 AM
Monday, February 09, 2009
(My list that was just on mcsweeneys. More of the Hazzard housewives later this week.)
Going to Blogher '09 in Chicago this July? I am because someone told me they're giving away free deep dish pizza and 8x10's of a semi-nude Ditka. But also because I'm doing a room with some of the funniest bloggers around--Jessica, Kelcey, Anna and Christy --on the topic "Dying is Easy, Comedy is Hard". (The mysterious Marinka will also be there to make sure our wine glasses are always filled.) (On second thought, maybe we shouldn't put her in charge of the wine supply. That's like putting me in charge of the generic Benadryl.)
If you think you're going to be there--or even if you're not--please click here and tell them that you think it's the most fantastic idea you've ever heard of in your whole effin' life and you haven't been this excited since you heard REO Speedwagon was puttin' the band back together. Or something like that. Thanks!
Posted by LTYM at 7:45 AM
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Today the fantastic Kelcey from The Mamabird Diaries and I are guest posting on each other's blogs. The topic--our first jobs out of college. Mine is about the very strange day I was mistaken for a soap opera star and can be found by clicking here.
Kelcey is a smart, warm, funny writer who's always a great read. On a daily basis, she's usually doing something a lot more cool and interesting than I'm doing. Like this, for example:
By Kelcey Kintner of The Mamabird Diaries
When I was 11 years-old, I went to Los Angeles for a family vacation and came back utterly shocked and bitterly disappointed that I had not been discovered. I was absolutely convinced that with my awesome black Ray-Bans and Sun-In highlights, I would become an overnight movie star sensation.
What had possibly gone wrong?
No matter. Many years later, I would get my gleeful revenge on Hollywood by becoming a fancy TV star.
After graduating from journalism school, I sent my resume tape to TV stations across the country. I was determined to become one of those bright red lipstick, live-on-the-scene TV reporters.
I finally found my first on-air TV job. In Great Falls, Montana.
Where?! Oh, somewhere near Canada. The day I arrived from Manhattan, it was minus 30 degrees in Great Falls but I was totally prepared with my Jeep Wrangler convertible and pink ear muffs.
At first I did a lot stories on local city commission meetings and the opening of the new "Lewis & Clark National Historic Trail Interpretive Center" which is as sexy and controversial as it sounds.
But I knew the big story was coming. And then it happened.
The city of Great Falls got its very first Burger King. The 60,000 residents had clearly been hankering for some flame broiled burger because the lines were astonishing. I sprayed down my hair and tried to stay calm as I reported the frenzied hubbub at the fast food chain. Surely, I would be a STAR now.
Later that night, filling up my cart at the local grocery store, I waited for the masses to recognize me. Or at least a store clerk. But nothing.
At the gym, I prepared for the onslaught of fans. Everyone would shout, "Whopper of a story, Kelcey!" as I pounded away on the stairmaster. But again, zip.
What the hell? Doesn't anyone watch local news anymore?
With my celebrity dreams dashed, I spent the rest of the year in Montana trying to experience Big Sky Country and not freeze my arse off. A friend took me "spelunking" which sounds all adventurous and cool but really means, "They leave you in a pitch dark cave and you think you'll actually die there and your remains will be devoured by bats."
I learned to shoot a gun, which was one handy skill I planned to take back with me to New York City.
I dated this super hot construction worker who could have sex in a minute or less which gave us plenty of time to do other fun things like go spelunking and shoot guns.
Finally, my contract ended. I packed up my bear mace and drove home to New York.
During the 2,000 mile drive home, I never once stopped at a Burger King.
Posted by LTYM at 10:08 PM
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Learn that when you join a Facebook group called "Barry Manilow: Where Music and Passion Meet", Facebook will then tell EVERYONE YOU KNOW about it and you will then be flooded with e-mails from all of your wonderful friends who say things like "Nice going, Fanilow Freak", "Have fun at the Copacacrappa, you big loser" and "Seriously, get some professional help before it's too late. I mean this as your mother".
Sit in closet and listen to "Mandy" until the pain begins to fade.
At PTA meeting, loudly suggest that they use the slogan "A Little Song, A Little Dance, A Little Seltzer Down Your Pants" for the school's talent show posters. When idea is met with complete silence, glare at everyone and make mental note to put in for a transfer to a PTA in the Catskills.
After a very cold night in Austin, wake up to find Volvo in driveway is completely covered in ice. Since there's no time to fully defrost windshield, get in and drive Sam to school with only 30% visibility. Skid into drop-off lane and nearly hit a few curbs, then smile and tell shocked crossing guards that there's absolutely nothing to worry about because "my car's from Sweden and I've seen the movie Fargo like, 100 times, OK chief?"
Plan to walk to school from now on.
In Top 10 Parenting Moment, save thousands of dollars in future therapy bills by convincing son Sam that maybe doing his "awesome light saber moves" in the school talent show isn't such a great idea after all.
In Bottom 10 Parenting Moment, lose thousands of dollars in future therapy bills when son Jack, who for some reason is wearing 3D glasses, walks into the bathroom and gets a horrifying eyeful of his soapy, naked mother loofahing her feet in the glass-walled shower.
After last year's horrible discovery that, despite their name, the Girl Scouts' Thin Mint cookies are not, in fact, a weight loss supplement, now find out that their Samoas cookies are not actually imported from the pacific island of Samoa. Polish off entire box, then call those slick little scammers in Troop 319 and demand a full cash refund.
Watch a TV show where a woman makes the amazing discovery that more men helped her pick up her spilled groceries when she was skinny and hot than when she was disguised in a big, fake fat suit.
Decide to ram shopping cart into Costco pickle display to see if it's time to start working out.
Start working out.
Call Troop 319 and grudingly offer to apologize if they'll bring over a few more boxes of cookies. Sit in closet listening to Barry and eating Peanut Butter Patties until it's finally time for bed.
Posted by LTYM at 8:00 AM