Sunday, May 03, 2009

Lessons Learned Last Week


Monday

Make the shocking discovery that it's never a good idea to use the term "douchebag" in a PTA meeting. Even if the person you're talking about just so happens to be a really, really big one. Isn't that right, Angela?

Tuesday
At a party, find out that shaping your hair into a nice, high pompadour while drunkenly screaming, "Look! Look at me! I'm in Big Love, baby! Look! I have compound hair! See it? See it? Now, where my sista wives at? Come on, you bee-yotches! Let's fight! MY Bill Paxton! MY Bill Paxton! Hahahaha! Rawrrr!", is actually not something that will make you popular and fun to be around.

Wednesday
During rare visit to the gym, discover that nobody is impressed by a 17-minute mile. Especially when you tell them you sprinted the whole way.

Thursday
Learn that, even if you tell your husband that tonight's dinner will be "tender crescents of imported whole-grain pasta smothered in a pool of rich, succulent, sunset-colored baby cheddar and lovingly paired with an organic butter reduction," he still won't be happy you've made box mac 'n cheese again.

Friday
While watching a DVD, realize that, after one glass of wine, Matthew McConaughey isn't really such a terrible actor after all. After two glasses of wine, happily take back all of the nasty things you've said about him throughout the years. After three glasses of wine, begin to weep over the nuances he's bringing to the role of a romantic cad with a heart of gold. After four glasses of wine, stand up on the couch and howl, "Mathhhhhewwwwww Mc... Mc... Conorwee!!! I LOVVVVEEEE YEWWWWW!!" After five glasses of wine, rifle through stacks of old US Weeklys and lick pictures of Matthew doing shirtless yoga poses.

Pass out with disc of How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days stuck to right cheek and a hand-written note reading "Help Me" stuck to the left.

Saturday & Sunday
Stay in bed recovering from week full of life lessons. While difficult at times, know the experience was worth it. Relax, meditate and promise to be a better person from now on.

Monday
Make the shocking discovery that it's never a good idea to use the term "asswipe" at a PTA meeting. Even if the person you're talking about just so happens to be a really, really big one. Isn't that right, Angela?






26 comments:

Judy Merrill Larsen said...

Here's the lesson I learned yesterday morning . . . it's not a good idea to think, hell yeah, I can brush my pet cat and trim the clumps of matted hair that comes from having a long-haired cat who has no interest in grooming herself (although she does a bang up job grooming the Golden Retriever's head). This will save me 50 bucks at the professional groomers. Uh huh, but when you accidentally snip more than just hair under her front leg (in a lovely V-shaped cut which you can see her muscle) and have to rush her to the vet so they can put 5 stitches in her little pathetic arm, it will cost all of that $50 you saved and about 400 more smackeroos.

It really cut into my mint julep money later that afternoon.

hokgardner said...

If I were in the same PTA as you, I'd so totally go to the meetings just to see what happens.

kim said...

Okay, you kill me! I mean, when I'm cutting and pasting your posts into emails so that I can share your wit with my friends, then you know you must be hilarious! I just read this one out loud, and we both cracked up...

Ann's Rants said...

My favorite was Thursday. It made me grunt.

Yup. I'm sitting by you at blogher.

bernthis said...

this is one of my favorites although I happen to think Matthew has tremendous skill as I do all men I want to sleep with

Amy@Bitchin'WivesClub said...

Shoot! I just got my mile down to 19-and-a-half minutes and you're telling me that sucks!?!?!?

Looks my week is shot....

for a different kind of girl said...

Amy told me I had to come here and she was right! I actually learned my Matthew McConaughey lesson over a bowl of cereal on Thursday when he was on Regis and Kelly. In a rare shirted moment (him, not me)(I mean, I was wearing a shirt, too), I thought, "You know, this Matthew McConaughey kid ain't too shabby!" I've been stricken ever since!

Hilarius list!

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake said...

Wendi, I think you're missing the BIG LIFE LESSON, which is to stay the hell away from the PTA.

I'm not sure if Matthew is a sorry actor of if it's a typecasting problem. Then I look at his arms and I really don't give a shit which it is. Rawr.

LuLu and Moxley's Mom said...

OMG -- I thought I was the only woman who hated Matthew McConaughey and loved Bill Paxton!

Who is Angela? I hope that's her real name and you're not protecting her identity.

Marinka said...

What kind of a freaky 8 day week do you have there? My favorite is the mac 'n cheese. (my favorite food, I mean).

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Ok, just a few follow up questions. If you can't say asswipe or douchbag... what terms are appropriate? And, if Matthew's shirt is off... are we supposed to care whether or not he can act?

peajaye said...

with mothers' day less than a week away, you remind us what motherhood is really all about. thank you.

Lisa (Jonny's Mommy) said...

I thought Sunday might be: Attend local AA meeting and realize I needed help.

:-)

Wow. What a week huh? If only I had the nerve to call someone an ass wipe like that. Oh the list grows so big, though.

CSY said...

I hate to say this, but I kinda dig MM. I mean yeah, he smokes a little weed and plays bongos naked where is neighbors can see all his man parts, but he's such a laid back dude...kinda like he never really got outta his Dazed and Confused character...

Christy said...

You told me on Tuesday night you wouldn't tell anyone! YOU PROMISED!

*Akilah Sakai* said...

I guess it's safe to say Angela is your favorite person to hang out with, and you two plan to put on matching mom jeans and go out shopping together, and you plan to invite her over for Christmas dinner this year, and you'll probably knit her a bright red stocking to hang over your fireplace. Am I right?

Fairly Odd Mother said...

You guys party on Tuesday nights? I need to move to Texas.

Cheryl Prater said...

I have often said that Matthew McConaughey is the Alex Guiness, no, the Sir Lawrence Ollivier of our time! Of course, my recycling bin is full of empty wine bottles.

Never saw the correlation until now.

the mama bird diaries said...

God, I hated that movie.

Obviously I wasn't drinking enough.

Gray Matter said...

Matthew McConaughey, Big Love & Mac & Cheese all in the same post. You are my hero.

MadMad said...

Perhaps you didn't pronounce it right: it's ahs-wee-pay.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for this. Our current PTA Princess is "keeping tabs on me b/c I am a rabble-rouser" aka I don't buy her BS. I suppose it's because I questioned why I need to pay $10 for PTA to "thank me" after I worked 900 hours this year for free. Reality check: Our PTA thanks you by charging $10 per person to enter the year end Thank You party. Where the highlight (according to the flyer) is you get dinner. Dinner is a cold hamburger cooked by some dad who probably just picked his underwear out of his buttcrack and a warm soda. Oh and lets not forget the games for kids really bad wanna be funzone with made in china lead filled prizes. Sounds like fun doesn't it?

Yvonne Oots said...

Enjoyed, thank you for the memories..
Yvonne Oots

Nikki Loftin said...

Did you really call Angela a douchebag, Wendi? I mean, that's so... 80s.
I use more current language, which is why the ladies at my PTA didn't ask me to be a chairwoman again next year.
No, really. You call one lousy PTA vice-president a sack of, um, poop... and you don't even get invited to the end-of-year $10 burger flip.
And what's with all the parent-anger-management fliers coming home in my kids' backpacks?
I might need a little "Tuesday tonic" myself...

Adore your blog, and your Parentwise humor this month. I would love to party with you!

Beth said...

I need to suggest name calling at some of my PTO meetings. It sounds like it could breathe a little life into the agenda.

I always learn so much from your blog.

phd in yogurtry said...

I want to attend YOUR PTA meetings... and parties... and M.Mc. screening parties...