New Easter Egg Hunt Policy

(OK, this is from two years ago, but I didn't have time to write a new Easter-themed post because I'm too busy sitting in the closet shoving chocolate bunny ears in my mouth. What? There was sale at Target.)


Dear Parents:

Due to some rather unfortunate incidents that transpired during last spring's school-wide Easter Egg Hunt, it has become necessary to take certain precautions this year. Therefore, listed below please find the items that should not, under any circumstances, be used to fill the plastic eggs used for the hunt.

For most of you, this list is simple common sense. However, as we learned far too late last year, there are a few troublemakers among you who apparently find it amusing to go to a divey bar the night before, get "totally sh*tfaced", then "load up the mothereffin' Eastey eggs" so chaos can then ensue the next day at the taxpayers' expense.

We truly hope these inconsiderate renegades will not take this rather nasty route again and instead, fill the eggs with lollipops, sunshine and other items that represent the Spirit of the Bunny. Let's make this a special day for children and parents alike.

NOT TO BE USED AS EGG FILLERS:

Cigarette Butts

Tequila

Lime Slices

Salt

Hair Extensions

Beer Nuts

Cocktail Napkins covered in unemployed men's phone numbers

Lee Press-On Nails

Jell-O Shots (of any flavor)

Tattoo Parlor "Buy One/Get One Half-Off" coupons

"Items" purchased from the vending machine in the ladies' restroom

Chicken


Thank you for your cooperation in this matter. Also, please be advised that this year, we will be conducting mandatory fingerprinting of all parents an hour before the event. Happy Easter and Happy Hunting!


While this was just pure fiction for me, apparently there are some very funny people out there who really are bad eggs.