Friday, April 10, 2009

New Easter Egg Hunt Policy

(OK, this is from two years ago, but I didn't have time to write a new Easter-themed post because I'm too busy sitting in the closet shoving chocolate bunny ears in my mouth. What? There was sale at Target.)

Dear Parents:

Due to some rather unfortunate incidents that transpired during last spring's school-wide Easter Egg Hunt, it has become necessary to take certain precautions this year. Therefore, listed below please find the items that should not, under any circumstances, be used to fill the plastic eggs used for the hunt.

For most of you, this list is simple common sense. However, as we learned far too late last year, there are a few troublemakers among you who apparently find it amusing to go to a divey bar the night before, get "totally sh*tfaced", then "load up the mothereffin' Eastey eggs" so chaos can then ensue the next day at the taxpayers' expense.

We truly hope these inconsiderate renegades will not take this rather nasty route again and instead, fill the eggs with lollipops, sunshine and other items that represent the Spirit of the Bunny.
Let's make this a special day for children and parents alike.


Cigarette Butts


Lime Slices


Hair Extensions

Beer Nuts

Cocktail Napkins covered in unemployed men's phone numbers

Lee Press-On Nails

Jell-O Shots (of any flavor)

Tattoo Parlor "Buy One/Get One Half-Off" coupons

"Items" purchased from the vending machine in the ladies' restroom


Thank you for your cooperation in this matter. Also, please be advised that this year, we will be conducting mandatory fingerprinting of all parents an hour before the event. Happy Easter and Happy Hunting!

While this was just pure fiction for me, apparently there are some very funny people out there who really are bad eggs.


iMommy said...

ha! hilarious. :) Happy Easter!

pat said...

what.... no peeled off wet beer bottle labels? Whats wrong with you?

Dan said...

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?

A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's been screwing chickens.

bernthis said...

I have nothing to say about this as I'm still reeling from all the matzoh in my colon

Momma B said...

I love the mothe-effin Easty eggs! too funny!

Momma B said...

Very, very clever!

Sharon said...

If you find some with valium, those are mine.

And I want them back.

Marinka said...

This is why Jews are The Chosen.

Ann's Rants said...

load up the mothereffin eastey eggs. hehehehe

the mama bird diaries said...

Why are you so close minded?

I'd write more but I'm a bit traumatized by Jessica's comment about the matzoh in her colon.

Beth said...

But peanuts and pretzels are ok, right?