Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Whine Cooler

I've never really thought of myself as being much of a whiner. (Long pause while I double over in hysterical laughter and pat myself on the back for actually being able to type that sentence with a straight face. Whoooo.) No, most days I'm much too busy writing page after page in my Oprah Gratitude Journal to complain about anything, really. What can I say? My life is just full of light-bulb moments.

That said, on the rare occasion I do find something to grouse about, I really try to not do it around my neighborhood friend Jennifer. See, Jennifer believes in something called "the power of positive thinking" and strongly feels that we should all be "thankful for what we have." Blah, blah, blah, the glass is half-full, those aren't mosquitoes, they're tiny angels giving you a kiss from get the idea.

Anyway, because of this whacko philosophy of hers, whenever I happen to say something even slightly negative, Jennifer immediately jumps right in and hits me with a few rays of her Little Mary Sunshine. To wit:

Ugh, I really don't want to go grocery shopping.
Y'all just be happy you have money to buy food for your family!

Jack puked in his bed and it took me an hour to clean it up.
He'll be out of the house before you know it and then you'll miss those moments!

I think I need an eyelift. I'm starting to look like a dude.
Life gives us the face we deserve! Be proud of your wrinkles, girlfriend!

I just wasted four hours getting an oil change.
At least you have a car! In Mexico, people drive half-blind donkeys!

Oww--my legs are sore from doing all of those lunges. (OK, I made this one up. I don't lunge for anything besides falling wine bottles.)
Just thank heaven you have two strong legs and don't need one of those electric scooters at Costco!

I have a friend who's really, really annoying.
Some people only have imaginary friends named Britney!

Seriously, I want to pin my friend down and tweeze off her eyebrows with jumper cables.
She'll probably thank you for saving her a trip to the salon!

My friend needs to just shut her pie hole, already.
Or maybe you need to put on your listening ears, already!

Good-bye. I'm going to go bang my head against a wall.
At least you have a wall!

She's a real treat, that Jennifer.

Which is why I was thrilled to learn that there's now a more private forum for my massive amounts of whining. The brilliant Marinka from Motherhood in NYC has a new, already popular blog called Secret Spineless Whine, where you can submit complaints, bitches and rants to your heart's content. Today she's posting my little missive about the pure evil that is Breathe-Right Nasal Strips. (The post also includes a few f-bombs. I don't know what's going on with me, lately. The effin' weather's turned me into Joe effin' Pesci.) So please, take a second to click on over, give it a look and maybe leave a whine of your own.

But whatever you do, don't tell Jennifer.


Marinka said...

I would so tell Jennifer, if I didn't suspect that she was already bound and gagged in your basement. Which you are lucky to have (I'm referring to the binding and the gagging equipment here).

Cat said...

Your friend sounds like the devil. Everybody knows god wants us to be miserable.

Lady With a Knife said...

And here I thought I was the only sarcastic REALIST left, turns out there's a whole world full of us! I really appreciate your brand of humor...

hokgardner said...

The "wonderful" thing about people like Jennifer is that they never recognize themselves in things like this. Unless you are foolish enough to actually use her real name.

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

So about the nasal strips? You should be grateful to have a nose because some people cut their nose off to spite their face? Am I Jennifer-esque? I am going to practice.

K said...

If they are tiny angels - why do the kisses hurt?

Did I piss Jesus off?

I think I know Jennifer - is her kitchen also always spotless and her children freakishly well behaved?

Orion said...

there's nothing wrong with dropping an F-bomb..
it cleanses the soul.

Put that in Jennifer's book. She should be thankful she has a book. and thankful she hasn't been hit with the book. and thankful she hasn't been hit. some people really do deserve ...well, YEAH! some people really do deserve to get hit with a blind eyed donkey.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Laughing my ass off ... royally!! I'd like to meet Jennifer. Seriously! She's definitely got a good stash of special pills.

Heather said...

I'm still laughing at the "In Mexico, people drive half-blind donkeys!"

I guess they should be lucky they have a donkey at all.

the mama bird diaries said...

I see that Jennifer has a lot of Aha moments. You know... I have a friend like that. In regards to the recession, she recently said, "You know, it's really not that bad our there. You just have to have the right attitude."

"Oh really? And what kind of attitude are you supposed to have when you are laid off and you can't pay your mortgage anymore?"

The two of them should be friends.

ella said...

I think Jennifer is a secret drinker...

Kylie w Warszawie said...

Yep, I know those people. The worst is my MIL who is THE MOST negative person I know. But she absolutely insists that no one else be negative.

Conversations go like this:

MIL: "You remember that time that S. had someone throw a bag in his truck and he returned it to the police and the woman it belonged to tried to bring up charges against S.? People are just no good."

Me: "I know what you mean. Someone hit my car in the school parking lot and just drove off. No note or anything. What a jerk!"

MIL: "Don't be negative. They probably had somewhere they needed to be and didn't have time to leave a note. Probably had a sick kid or something. You never know. Think positive."

Me: "Um, okay."

Momma B said...

WooHoo! Noone ever told me that I could tweeze off my eyebrows with jumper cables! That would be a quick way to get rid of those fuzzy bastards!

Belle said...

I had a friend like that once. I never saw her after her surgery.

peajaye said...

jennifer reminds me of someone... oh yeah, ned flanders from the simpsons. oh, but that would make YOU homer simpson. uhh, never mind.

Erica said...

Just reading about people like Jennifer make me want to drink.(or people not like her or just getting out of bed in the morning) Anything in general makes me want to drink but just to read that there are actually people like that in the world makes me thank my effin stars that the people I know are just as miserable as me. Writing this makes me want to go drink so see you next week!

Melissa said...

I have that friend, too. But even funnier? When my MIL starts getting all negative, I start doing that to her. Passive aggressive much? Not moi!

DD from SA said...

I like Whiners/Winers. We should hang out.

bernthis said...

I just want to kill these types. Sorry but too happy means you need to be six feet under

Charmaine said...

If you don't have anything nice to say...come sit by me.

hee hee

MadMad said...

HAHAHA! Blind donkeys in Mexico! Ah you're too funny! (Tell the truth: I have the best comments, don't I?)

iMommy said...

I think perhaps Jennifer would say that you are lucky to have a secret place to whine. :)

Gray Matter said...

"I'm starting to look like a dude," best laugh of the day--and that includes seeing a mom rush her kid off a curb only to trip face-first into a muddy puddle. Aaah.

phd in yogurtry said...

Secret Spineless Whine .. oh oh oh, exactly what I need. There's a trend in blogland I hadn't expected, to keep it on the upbeat, and well, it's just a little constricting. Thanks for the link.

Re: your ever-positive-spin-friend. What's wrong with a little commiserating? Yeah, shopping is boring and tedious and mind-numbing. Is it sinful to admit that yes, life has it's sucky moments?

On the other hand, her attitude just might keep her from landing on my therapist couch.

E. Ann Bardawill said...

For some reason I am getting your mail.

See SSW post for more details.