THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF HAZZARD COUNTY:
Getting To Know Y'All
Bobbi Sue, the self-proclaimed "hawtest" housewife of Hazzard County, arranges a party to meet the other ladies. On their way to her house, LaDonna, Lurlene and wildcat Jessie experience a few hours of confusion when they can’t find the right rural route and must outrace a freight train in their Pontiac Firebird. They finally arrive at the party, only to find that Bobbi Sue’s mother JoJo has single-handedly polished off the entire cooler of Pabst Blue Ribbon Lite. Later, Bobbi Sue and Jessie have fun with air guns while Lurlene and LaDonna listen to White Snake and relax in Bobbi Sue’s above-ground pool.
And Baby Makes 5
Chastity Rose, the youngest housewife, meets the other women for the first time at Hazzard County’s newest Mediterranean eatery, Quiznos. Within minutes of arriving, Chastity makes a misstep by saying she went to a junior college orientation one time. This leads to an awkward confrontation with Jessie and LaDonna, who repeatedly ask Chastity if she “thinks she’s smarter than us, well, do ya, chickenshit?” The night ends with sutures and complimentary Baked Lays for all.
Brimming with emotion, Lurlene asks third ex-husband Big Mike if he’ll give her away during her upcoming nuptials to his second cousin Lem. He agrees, but only if she lets his KFC franchise cater the reception. Meanwhile, Jessie’s long awaited vacation to Crayfish Lake turns sour when half-sister Rhea crashes their rented pontoon into a bait shop. They smoke Merits and reminiscence about vocational school while picking at their nail polish and waiting for the authorities to arrive. Across town, Chastity and Bobbi Sue enjoy some illegal fireworks.
It's Hard Out There For A Housewife
A tearful Jessie apologizes to half-cousin Travis for taking his ATV to the Pik ‘n Sav without his permission. Travis forgives her and says he’s just happy she was able to “negotiate” her way out of another DUI with the Po-Po. Meanwhile, LaDonna and Bobbi Sue share a Meat Lover's pan pizza and gossip about Lurlene’s most recent appearance on America’s Dumbest Criminals. They agree that while her hair looked bitchin’, she shouldn’t have ripped off a Walgreen's while wearing a t-shirt airbrushed with her first and last names. Later that night at her son's basketball game, Chastity discovers Red Bull plus Mucinex equals a kick ass buzz.
Livin’ La Vida Hazzard
The ladies are excited to attend the grand opening of Hazzard County’s biggest Dollar Store. Chastity desperately wants to get to know the other housewives better, but Bobbi Sue and LaDonna shamelessly snub her in the $1 tampon/enema aisle. Chastity makes the best of it by flirting with the cashier, who later buys her a $1 kitten sweatshirt and a day’s supply of Oxycontin. Meanwhile, entrepreneur Lurlene struggles to balance the demands of her in-home childcare business with her new venture, a multi-level puppy farm.
Heirlooms & Catfights, Oh, My!
Feeling a financial pinch after replacing the corrugated aluminum roof on her trailer, Bobbi Sue makes the heart-wrenching decision to sell her family’s heirlooms on ebay. Tears flow when someone chooses "Buy Now" on her favorite “Goofy Goes Fishin’” figurine. That evening, the ladies try to have a fun girls’ night out at the Hazzard Chili’s, but a light-hearted discussion about who’s more freakin’ awesome, Stone Cold Steve Austin or The Gravedigger, soon turns ugly, leaving Bobbi Sue with just 2 fingernails and Lurlene with a 10% hearing loss in her right ear.
All’s Well That Ends Well
After her fiance’s request for a conjugal visit is once again denied by the state, Chastity lifts her spirits by taking her 7 half-kids to the local waterpark. She later realizes that she forgot Lil Jim at The Tsunami Lagoon and makes plans to pick him up the next day after her nail appointment. The season ends with Lurlene hosting a glamorous "Pimps 'n Ho's" party at her river house. Her big news that she's expecting an 18th child is tarnished when Bobbi Sue remarks that Lurlene only got knocked up, “So’s she can cash in on being on one them breeder TV shows." The intense and heated wrestling match that follows ends with the housewives sharing a box of wine and hugging it out at the 24-hour Hazzard County Urgent Care facility.
See y'all next season!
Believe it or not, this masterpiece actually had two writers--myself and my lovely friend Cheryl. Each Tuesday, Cheryl & I slam Girl Scout cookies & wine and e-mail each other our genius thoughts while we watch the insane women on "The Real Housewives of Orange County". Good times.