Sunday, January 25, 2009

Red Team Beats Yellow Team in First-Grade Basketball


DAVY CROCKETT ELEMENTARY - Tommy Johnson has sometimes struggled this season while learning to play the game of basketball, but it sure didn't look that way on Saturday.

Johnson scored a record-setting 4 points as his team, the Super Awesome Pokemon Red Raiders (aka the Red Team), possibly defeated the Super Cool Jedi Fighting Warriors (aka the Yellow team). "I know we're not supposed to keep score," said Tommy's mother Laurie. "But I'm pretty sure we kicked their little asses. Oh, can I say 'asses'? Maybe I should just say 'booties'? Whatever it is, I just want to say that the Yellow Team can suck it! Boo-yah!"

A boisterous crowd of 30, mostly parents and younger siblings, packed the gym/cafeteria and watched as Johnson, a 4 foot-high 7 year-old, nearly doubled the team's shooting percentage. The 2 baskets he made, out of 101 attempts, showed a record improvement in actually getting the ball within 10 feet of the hoop.

"I think the first shot he made bounced off my head and then went right into the basket," said Red Team power forward Danny Smithson. "He's such a lucky duck!"

Tommy has also excelled this season at what his coach Mark Wilson calls "the loose ball scramble". "He's always the first player to start the dogpile," said Wilson. "Whenever the ball's up for grabs, he'll fight like hell for it. Even against one of his own teammates. Now that's hustle, man."

Coach Wilson then went on to talk about the Red Team's overall improvement. "Once they stopped picking up the basketball and running down the court with it," Wilson reported, "I knew the next steps would be to work on dribbling the ball on the floor, not on their own feet and to hopefully stop giving each other wedgies during practice."

There were two major turning points in Saturday's game that led to the Red Team's triumph. The first came when the Yellow Team's star player, Ethan Reed, got a fast break and dribbled the ball into the hallway so he could get a drink and go to the Boy's restroom. "I had to go number two," said Reed. "I really couldn't hold it any longer and if I had an accident, my mommy would have been really mad. Now just leave me alone, OK? I'M NOT A BABY!"

The second turning point came when the Yellow Team's point guard, Liam McPhail, skipped off the court to go sit in his daddy's lap, thereby giving the Red Team a huge advantage and allowing Tommy to score his second basket of the game.

"It was so awesome!" yelled Tommy. "The ball bounced off the wall, then off the other wall, then off the referee's head and then wiggled around the top of the hoop for a few minutes and then it went straight into the basket! And it still counted!"

The Red Team's next match-up will be against the formidable Superhero Hulk Monster Trucks (aka the Green Team) next Saturday after the Boy Scout's Bike Rodeo. "I hear the Greenies have a husky 8 year-old on the team," said Coach Wilson. "But I'm not worried. If my guys remember to dribble the ball with their eyes open and go potty before the game, we'll be just fine."

Or, as future junior college basketball star Tommy Johnson put it, "Yeah, whatever. As long as we get pretzels and juiceboxes after the game, I don't really care what happens. Can I go now?"

Best of luck, Red Team. You're going to need it.








18 comments:

Butterflyfish said...

Have I told you lately you're a genius?

MadMad said...

Ah, basketball. It's like... soccer. But inside. Great post! Very, very funny!

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of "Front Row Center with Thaddeus Bristol" by David Sedaris!

Logical Libby said...

It's funny, 'cause it's true... My nephew's team was the "Purple Super Dragons."We had to say the full name EVERY TIME! Imagine cheering "Go, Super Purple Dragons" every time, or else getting the stink eye from very five year old on the court. Yeah, it was ugly.

Kristina P. said...

Thanks for clicking over. Lifetime movies are truly awesome.

phd in yogurtry said...

I feel like I am there, in the locker room. Now, pass me a juicebox.

bernthis said...

Just tell me, which guy on which teams has the coolest bunk bed and I'll root for that team

Belle said...

What are you doing blogging? You should be announcing at all the major-league games. You've got the gift sister.

Sharon said...

I'm not going to be counting on my son's hockey abilities to get me through my retirement years either.

Now, and I say this as your internet stalking friend....step away from the blog Wendy. Step away from the blog and start writing the damn book!

Cathy said...

that was hilarious! my son played soccer last spring and LIVED for the snack afterward. Juice is such a great motivator.

peajaye said...

i believe there is a small high school girls' team in texas that your school might want to challenge.

Momma B said...

Man, that sounds a lot like my two 6 year old boys during baseball season! The only problem with the two of them being on the same team is that they try to kill each other for the ball, if it comes any where near either one of them! Everything goes when two competitive little boys want to be able to tell their mommy--the same damned mommy--that they got the ball today! I am always proud to take credit for their stellar behavior on the field!

coffeypot said...

Here is a bit of trivia for you. I, coffeypot, have NEVER seen an entire basketball game in my life. I have played parts of a game in the church league, but when I wasn't playing I was talking to the girls at the scoring table. But if I were to watch an entire game, I would prefer it be a bunch of kids than any college or pro team. They haven’t developed an entitlement ego or a police record yet.

Orion said...

This post angers me, and not because your writing is clever as hell and i could sit here and read all day, but because i've been waiting for 5 weeks to cheer Mr. 7 on in an ice skating race and it's been post-poned every friday cause it's too cold.

yeah, that's right.. i can't tell off some kids mom/dad because it's too cold to ice skate. I gotta move.

Queen Goob said...

OOOOhhhh, wait until they play football! Between the butt spankings, the personal fouls, the spitting of loogies directly at each other, and the inevitable dousing with Gatorade a fun time is had by all!

I'm the mommy in the stands of the private Christian school screaming FIRST BLOOD

lisa said...

This is so funny and can totally relate. My suggestion is to spike the juice boxes.

If the refs aren't calling shots your way, my post of "You're Outta Here" will earn you Diva Status.

Highly recommended.

Tracy said...

Go Red Team! Those Superhero Hulk Monster Trucks are no match for Pokemon's power! That 8 year old is going down. . . I can just feel it.

Lynners said...

I hope you don't mind, I'm so linking to this post! You are a genius!