Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Answers, I Got Answers
The lovely Dear Frannie just gave me something I've been trying to get for over 7 years now. (No, not THAT.) (Perv.) Using her amazing psychologist/poledancer training, she has actually provided the answers to the FAQ In My House. Yay, Frannie! Your $2.00 co-pay's in the mail.
1. Who left these on the floor?
The incontinent cat.
2. Why is it so quiet up there?
Pure evil has no sound.
3. Is that where your shoes are supposed to go?
Is this a math problem?
4. What did I just tell you two seconds ago?
That you needed tequila, an axe and a little alone time.
5. Where do you think you're going with that glue stick?
Like you said before, hell.
6. Good God, which one of you was just in the bathroom?
Daddy.
7. Why am I the only person in this family who knows where the dishwasher is located?
Because if you didn't live with us, we'd be happy eating kibble off the floor.
8. What am I? Your frickin' maid?
No, maids get paid.
9. Does anyone know if that brown stuff on the wall is chocolate?
I can tell you definitively that it is NOT chocolate.
10. Do you think toilet paper grows on trees?
I'm not sure because I haven't actually used toilet paper in 2 1/2 months.
11. Don't you think you've watched quite enough Sponge Bob for one day?
No because I'm trying to see if the hours of constant flashing will induce one of those cool Japanese cartoon seizures I've been reading so much about.
12. Is that how a big boy acts?
Not clear, but dad just did the same thing in the garage with no clothes on.
13. Do I look like I thought that was funny?
No, you look old and mean and tired. But you did look funny in that yearbook picture you showed us once.
14. WHAT did you just say? Who taught you that word? Was it Uncle Paul?
I said "yeast vaginitis" because that lady on TV has it, along with itching, burning, soreness, and pain during intercourse and urination. Why, does Uncle Paul have that, too?
15. How many times do I have to tell you that scratches up the floor?
What scratches up the floor? This? Or THIS?
16. Are you trying to drive me crazy?
Yes.
17. Why are you not eating your broccoli?
It's green.
18. Would you like to try another answer?
Sure. Because broccoli sucks. How's that one?
19. Hold on--can't you see that mommy's busy e-mailing Larry King right now?
But I thought you told us we had to be nice to old people.
20. Who told you that I was hiding out in the closet? Was it daddy?
No, I heard your muffled sobs from downstairs.
21. Is something burning?
Only the things I lit on fire.
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28 comments:
Too, too funny. I loved the initial questions (um, were you wiretapping my house years ago?) and the answers are perfect.
My mothering motto--never run out of wine.
Frannie is funny, and you're always a good read.
Thank you.
haha... nice!!
and i got a Benjamin that says that is 92% accurate, if not higher.
That Frannie. She sure is clever.
Does Frannie take Blue Shield?
That is the funniest answers I have ever read. Funny because they're right on the money!
Ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!
[ dies of laughter ]
I was laughing so hard I woke up the baby, who WAS sleeping peacefully in my lap, dammit.
I particularly like answer #4.
And when does Frannie has appointments available. I've been looking for a new therapist.
if you didn't live with us, we'd be happy eating kibble off the floor
Why yes we would ya little heathen spawn!
....she's almost as funny as you!
I liked answer #2 myself. Sadly appropriate in this house.
perhaps this q & a should be posted at planned parenthood as a form of birth control?
Oooooh, those are good! All the poop ones happen here, too. Also, the swearing ones. And, I suppose, the vegetable ones, and of course, the hiding from them ones. I think I'll switch to tequila, though. Maybe it'll give me less heartburn than wine does.
funny the first time and the second. I love these answers.
Ha. Clever. Finally some answers around here.
Frickin' hilarious! I love Frannie. Can Frannie answer the question "Is it wrong of me to send my kids to school on a snow day and just pretend I didn't know?"
Ok, this is PRICELESS! Hilarious at the very least!
Awesome. #12's answer made me make that gargled snorfy kind of laugh. You guys make a good (sick, twisted) team.
Frendi or Wannie:
What a great team! I laughed so hard, "Pure evil has no sound." Classic. That should be on a movie trailer if that guy who did all the deep voices hadn't died. Oh, what the hell, it should still be a movie trailer, or a book title, or SOMETHING! More, more!!
Heh, heh, heh. My kinda comedy.
Brilliant! Don't I sound all British and shit?
Ok, I had to come back and re-read this. TOO funny! Why is it when I read this post I had flashbacks from my own childhood?
*crawling under desk, curling into fetal position, rocking back and forth and sucking thumb*
I'll be fine...just give me a minute.
Great post!
Wow...I'd really like to hang out with you two ladies (I'll use that term loosely)...you make me feel normal.
The pure evil comment is perfect. But I thought it made a sound like "mwahahahahahahahahaha?"
I stand corrected.
I had to come back and read again - those were FUNNY!
Hey look, CSY's suppressed memories seemed to have surfaced; I need to get over to her office and drag her out from under her desk.
Gotta run.....
ROTFLMAO. Seriously. Your blog makes me laugh in the way that only things that are well-written by other women have had life experience (and children) can make me laugh. From the heart. And if you ever visit Naptown, I'll teach you to knit!
Nancy
#7 and #13 are so my house! Again, you are one funny lady!
My two favorites:
Q. Does the bird have fresh water?
A. If she does, I don't know where she got it.
Q. Would you like some broccoli?
A. I had broccoli for lunch. (The child is in day-care.)
i think i may have just lost my job due to snorting and weeping with laughter too loudly in the office while reading this little gem.
both of you should go to the naughty chair for time out.
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