Monday, January 19, 2009

FAQ In My House

1. Who left these on the floor?

2. Why is it so quiet up there?

3. Is that where your shoes are supposed to go?

4. What did I just tell you two seconds ago?

5. Where do you think you're going with that glue stick?

6. Good God, which one of you was just in the bathroom?

7. Why am I the only person in this family who knows where the dishwasher is located?

8. What am I? Your frickin' maid?

9. Does anyone know if that brown stuff on the wall is chocolate?

10. Do you think toilet paper grows on trees? What's that? Oh, so you're a smart guy now?

11. Don't you think you've watched quite enough Sponge Bob for one day?

12. Is that how a big boy acts?

13. Do I look like I thought that was funny?

13. WHAT did you just say? Who taught you that word? Was it Uncle Pat?

14. How many times do I have to tell you that scratches up the floor?

15. Are you trying to drive me crazy?

16. Why are you not eating your broccoli?

17. Would you like to try another answer?

18. Hold on--can't you see that mommy's busy e-mailing Larry King right now?

19. Who told you that I was hiding out in the closet? Was it daddy?

20. Is something burning?

And for hilarious advice to all of your pressing life questions, please be sure to check out my friend Frannie's new advice website Dear Frannie. She's just like Dear Abby--after a few cigarettes and martinis.


Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

My stepdaughter says that I have a million questions that I repeat constantly (similar to your list) but only two (dripping with sarcasm)answers...



Seriously, Tabbi?

Belle said...

Can anybody get too much of Spongebob? I don't think so Wendi!

hokgardner said...

I hide in my closet all the time. Unfortunately, the girls have figured it out and look there for me first.

peajaye said...

not to criticize, but... i believe it is the custom of a FAQ Page (Frequently Asked Questions) to provide ANSWERS to those said questions. it sorta leaves the reader hanging w/o them. i was clicking around for about 10 minutes before i realized you had no intention of solving these mysteries for us. and pawning us off to your friend's website doesn't count. sorry. unless, of course ,this is a plot to leave us wanting more and to have us tune into your blog tomorrow. in which case, you are brilliant.

KT said...

And when they get a little older you get to include the litany from my house:

What does your homework look like for tonight?
Have you finished your homework?
You're not really watching According to Jim are you?
Did you bring down your laundry?
Where are your gym clothes?
Who left their soda can in the living room?
Who set the table? Did you remember napkins? Is there salt on the table?
Please tell me you are not eating a bowl of potato chips 15 minutes before dinner?
Are you wearing your retainer?
You are going to shower tonight, right?
Whose towel is this?

So much to look forward to, I know.

San Diego Momma said...

And of course, the ever popular:

"What are you licking?"

Where, the"what" on any given day includes dogs, floors, toilet seats, picture frames, glitter, markers, pennies, DVDs, baskets, diaper cream, boogers, and tires.

bernthis said...

Favorite b/c i have the sense of humor of a five year old:

"Does anyone know if the brown stuff on the wall is chocolate?"

Anna Lefler said...

OMG, do you have a tape recorder running in my house?!? A few more favorites around here:

"Have you lost your mind?"

"Do you want some more of this?"

"He/she said WHAT?!?"

"Does anyone know which one of the puppies did this?"

"Do I NEED this?"

Fantastic post!

:^) Anna

Cheryl Prater said...

These questions asked at the Praters to each squirrely, unhygenic pubescent boy:

Did you brush your teeth?

Did you use paste?

Why not?

Do you know how much those braces cost?

Did you know thats studies indicate gingivitis can prevent you from playing Medal of Honor 3?

If you brushed what's that white stuff in your gums?

Why would you nestle your toothbrush into the bristles of the toilet brush?

Can't you run the water when you spit?

Did you use the bathmat to wipe your mouth again?

Should I call CSI to analyze that spatter pattern on the mirror?

Did you wash your hair?

With soap?

Why not?

Momma B said...

Very, very funny, WA!

Erica said...

There are only 3 questions asked repeatedly in my house... 1. Do you know where the dirty laundry basket is,because I will show you AGAIN where it is.(The same damn spot it has been since we moved into this frickin house. i do not play hide and seek with the hamper) 2. What do you want for dinner? 3. Honey, will you please bring me ANOTHER beer. That one gets asked more than I care to admit in 1 night.

lisa said...

So simple yet so accurate.

My favorite overused family line is ---

M is for Mom, Not Maid, Dammit

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

These are awesome!!!! I'm laughing myself silly. Totally Stumbling this because the whole WORLD has to read it!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Oh noes! I can't stumble your individual posts. They revert back to the main URL each time.

Marinka said...

Where is the answer key?

WA said...

re: the answers

I've been asking the same questions for around 7 years and still don't know.


MadMad said...

Oh! Can I play? Are you going to make me come up there? Exactly who do you think you're talking to, mister? Do you live in a barn? Pick up your clothes!

Oh, wait. Better not get me started...

Cassie said...

Did you wash your butt is a big one in my house! LOL!

coffeypot said...

When my grandkids get into my car or truck and fasten their seatbelts, they leave the chest strap behind them, so I always say, "Chest" and they both sigh and say "Yes, sir. Sorry!"

The other day they clime in and I turn to look at them and say, "Now, what is the first thing I say to you when you get in?" And my grandson said, "Shut up!" I was laughing so hard as I drove off and left him on the curb at the mall.

Kylie w Warszawie said...

I love this!

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Damn, that all sounds exactly like me! Seriously, all of it sounds like me except for one additional question:

"Are you trying to give Mommy an ulcer? You're killing me, I can feel it!"

Orion said...


This is the FAQ sheet on my fridge, except you omitted that one about playing with yourself on the couch. But i think that's more directed towards me anyways.

Tracy said...

Too funny!! My fav: "Good God, which one of you was just in the bathroom?" Wondering if your family ever answers your questions. . .

Queen Goob said...

"What part of NO did you not understand?"

followed promptly by
"The O."

Melissa said...

I have a question similar to Queen Goob: What part of (fill in the blank) was unclear here?

phd in yogurtry said...

Oh, that's a perfect FAQ list!

I would like to add my personal favorite/most regretted FAQ: "Do you think money grows on trees?"

It's one of those I swore I would never ask because it made no sense to me whatsoever as a kid. i.e., "Of course I know money doesn't grow on trees?! What a stupid thing to ask!?" And yet, I hear myself ask way too many times.

the mama bird diaries said...

I hate hearing myself repeat the same questions over and over again.

Belle said...

Wendi come over to mine - I having another boring award for you.

Christy said...

I ask those same questions in my house - but sadly, my husband and I have no kids.

omnidudemeandthebean said...

With a two-and-a-half year old I'm the one asking the questions and not getting answers.

Bean, why are you crying? Yes.
Bean, what happened? Yes.
Bean, did you do poopie? No. (to be understood as Yes)

Anonymous said...

Check out this link. We've been set to music. They're playing our song ladies.

Cathy said...

so glad my sons aren't the only ones whom watch too much spongebob! I'll have to try hiding in the closet sometime, too. :)

pat said...

What happen to "who was the last one in the refrigerator last night"...a;ways asked first thing in the morning after it stood open all night!

Lela said...

#9 - the 'chocolate'? Hilarious.
These are all classics. I'm even starting to bust out with 'Who do you think I am, one of your little friends?'
And my personal not-so-proud-of-it favorite:
'Are you a moron?'

Ducksoop said...

Tooo funny, Wendi! I don't even have kids and it cracked me up.

lizarosenberg said...

Oh god... Spongebob...

I'm always asking my son, "Do you have to make peepee? Then why are you keeping your hand there?"

Lady Weasel said...

I don't hear my boyfriend asking questions, but I do hear things like this:

1. Don't eat the fly swatter!
2. Don't color on yourself.
3. Macaroni and cheese does not make a good wall decoration.