This Is Why I Should Never Cook

Last night when I was making dinner, I unfortunately had a small accident that involved a chicken, hot olive oil and my face. Which means that today I'm in bed, slathered in medicated cream and whacked out on Vicodin. Or, as my husband put it, I'm now just one Larry Fortensky away from finally turning into Elizabeth Taylor.

At first I was a little freaked out about what happened to me, but now that I've spent the morning watching "The Top 25 Celebrity Near Death Experiences" on E!, I know I have nothing to complain about. After all, my car didn't get hit by an exploding mattress (Aaron Carter #23) or a wild bird (Cameron Diaz #19). Nor did I fall out of a coconut tree (Keith Richards #13), narrowly escape a crashing disco ball (Boy George #10) or start choking on a bite of fish at a Hollywood restaurant (Ellen Barkin #21) and have to be Heimliched by a slimy talent agent. And if those brave celebrities were able to survive their own harrowing experiences, well, then I guess I can, too. (Also, did you read the part about my nice little Vicodin?)

So all that said, I'd like to wish everyone a very happy Thanksgiving this week. I hope you all have a wonderful time celebrating with your friends and family. And don't worry about me. I just made our Thanksgiving dinner reservations at a fancy downtown restaurant where they tell me I can't even set foot near the kitchen. And for that, I'm very thankful.

Sexy People

Earlier today, I was reading this week's issue of People magazine because I was desperate to hear the real scoop on Taylor Swift's break-up with that rebel Jonas Brother. (Jim? Jaime? Jicama? I'm not sure what his name is. But damn, gurl, he's a Clearasil-usin' dawg.) Anyway, just seconds after I finished the fantastic "Bodies After Babies!" pictorial, I saw a full-page ad emblazoned with the tantalizing headline "SEXY ESSENTIALS". Wow, I thought. Now this is something I have just got to read. After all, I've always dreamed of being essentially sexy. And who better to tell me how than the fine employees of People's ad sales department? Let's go!

But then, as I started to read the page, eagerly looking for tips on hair teasing, cleavage enhancement and lower-back tattoos, I noticed that the ad was actually full of coupons. Huh? That's weird, I said. After all, what's sexy about saving money? It's not like anyone's ever gotten laid at Costco. But the copy then went on to explain that the coupons were for products that would, I think, help make a person sexy in preparation for People's upcoming "Sexiest Man Alive" issue. Which was a big relief because Lord knows I've always wanted to look hot when I'm sprawled on the couch with my cat, covered in cookie crumbs and running my fingers over Taye Diggs' biceps on page 24. I mean, who doesn't?

So, after carefully cutting out each and every money-saving coupon on the page, I put them in my purse for the night and tomorrow, I'm planning on waking up early and heading out to the store for my "sexy shopping" spree. I can't wait to see how high my level of hotness climbs. And just in case you'd like to join me, here's the list of People's SEXY ESSENTIALS that I'm going to be buying:

Lee Riders Jeans

Zyrtec

Oil of Olay Deep Penetrating Moisturizer

Mamma Mia! The Movie DVD

and

Mott's Healthy Harvest Apple Sauce


Oh, yeah. I'm gonna be sizzling.

Reflections on an Outlet Mall

Trip to the outlets
Good bargains and deals await!
Pulse is quickening.

Pants for just ten bucks
Grab and pull with eager hands
Orange bell-bottoms? Yes!

Two-for-one dresses
Floral, satin, size zero
Where's my credit card?

Try on discount shoes
Too big, too small, too hoochie
Despair at Nine West.

Huge Tigger sweatshirt
Tacky, ugly, smelly, gross
Perfect for neighbor.

Energy waning
Revive at The Fudgery
Chocolate? Meet shame.

Fifty percent off
Good for outerwear and toys
Not so much for love.

Last season's Prada
Damaged, stained, thrown in a bin
Couture has died here.

Aching feet and arms
Time to depart outlet mall
But first, Maidenform!

Wallet is empty
Hard-earned cash now discount shirts
Poor girl with nice shoes.

Farewell, my dear mall
Where dreams are irregular
But joy is wholesale.

Racy Thoughts

I just read on the internets that teenagers who regularly watch "racy" TV shows are more likely to become pregnant. Which brings up the following questions:

1. Were all those Saturday nights I spent at home in front of "The Love Boat" and "Fantasy Island" actually a pathetic form of birth control?

2. Why didn't I get knocked up the year I watched that slut Joan Van Ark sleep her way through the cul-de-sac on "Knot's Landing"?

3. Is the real danger of teenage girls watching "Sex & The City" that they'll then be influenced to sleep around? Or that they'll start dressing like Carrie?

4. Besides Howie Mandel, who on TV nowadays isn't at least somewhat alluring?

5. Will I soon have to limit my sons' TV viewing to C-Span? Or is all that filibustering just a little too exciting?

6. Who the hell uses the word "racy" anymore?