One Fine Day

How was your day today?

Fine.

What'd you do in school?

I don't remember.

Did you have fun in P.E.?

I don't know.

(sigh) Listen, Sam, mommy really wants to know what you're doing in Kindergarten. You're there for 8 hours, so you have to be learning something, right? Something besides all of those lovely eating habits you've picked up from that Joshua kid, anyway. Did you ever find out if he was raised in a traveling carnival? Or was it by raccoons? Never mind. What I'm trying to say is that I just want to know what you're doing all day in school. I mean, as far as I know, as soon as the bell rings, the principal loads you all into an unmarked white van and shuttles you to a sleazy, downtown sweatshop where you spend the day sewing Air Jordans for 20 cents an hour. And, if that's true, you have to tell me right away, OK? We'll get you unionized.

What?

I just miss seeing you all day, sweetie.

Maybe you should work in the classroom like Emma's mom.

Trust me, I could never miss you that much. But, listen, Sammy, it's important that families share their days with each other. Your daddy and I always do.

Really?

Uh-huh. Like yesterday, daddy told me all about the intense strategy meeting he had with his clients at a fancy restaurant and all of the other wonderful accomplishments he made during the day, then I told him all about Jack peeing on my foot at Jamba Juice.

OK, mommy. I understand. (deep breath) So, today I made up a boy's club and I asked Gavin and Luke and Jonathan to be in it...

That's great!

...but they didn't want to be in it, well Luke did, but Jonathan didn't because he's really into the tire swing, but then the bell rang and Jessica called me Stinky Pants, which doesn't really make sense because I'm not stinky since I had a bath last night with lots of bubbles, do you remember that, you probably do because when I splashed you, you yelled at me to not do that because you were wearing wool, is that from sheeps? poor sheeps, do they get cold without their wools? and so I said, I'm not Stinky Pants, Jessica, you are, and then she and the other girls laughed at me because she wasn't even wearing pants, she was wearing a skirt, a pink one that all the girls seem to like to wear, except how come you never wear skirts since you're a girl? aren't you? do you have a pink skirt? or just sweatpants? and then we had Centers, which I don't really like because they're BORING but the teacher said we had to do them so I did them but I didn't like it and I DID NOT learn anything about turtles except that they live in Galap..Galap...some island, but then....

Sam?

Yeah?

Thanks for sharing.

You're welcome, mommy. But one more thing: how was your day?

Oh, wow. Let's see, Sam, my day...my day was, well, my day was...fine. Thanks for asking.

A Visit To The Slightly Bitchy Day Spa

Hello and welcome to our spa! Did you have a hard time finding us? I only ask because I notice you're 15 minutes late. No, no, it's fine. Things happen. I'm sure you didn't mean to throw us completely off schedule today. But no worries. I'll just make one of the new Spanish girls stay late tonight to wash the loofahs and I'm sure we'll be back on track in the morning. Just do us a favor and at least call the next time you're going to be late, OK? That way we won't have to do something inconsiderate like cancel Mr. Temkin's bi-weekly back wax again. Poor man. Now, who's ready for a day of beauty!?

The Quiet Room is where you can change into one of our comfy spa robes. They're One-Size-Fits-All, but you should be fine. I've seen women a lot larger than you manage to squeeze their way into them. You'll just love how soft they are! Once you've changed, put all of your belongings into one of these bamboo cabinets. They don't have locks, but there's no need to worry. Your possessions will be completely secure. Besides, even if anyone was going to steal something, I'm sure they'd go for one of the big, expensive purses in here. Not your plastic Merona satchel. Now, enjoy!

Hello, again. Looks like I'll be your masseuse since you changed your mind and don't want a male after all. No, no, it's OK. Jonathan said he's actually relieved he doesn't have to rub down another menopausal member of the Junior League today. Isn't he just hilarious? But regardless, you're in good hands because it takes a woman to know a woman. Of course, my body's a little different because I eat right and exercise and use a little something called sunscreen, but basically, women's bodies are all the same until they're ravaged by childbirth, don't you think? So just lie back and relax and don't for one second be self-conscious about your naked body underneath that thin sheet. We see all types here. Yours probably isn't even one we'll gossip about in the break room later!

Facial time! Now, what's this I hear from Lupita about you thinking you're allergic to our Seaweed Salvation mask? No, of course I want to believe you. I just wish you could have told us that before we spent four weeks negotiating with those greedy Japanese fishermen. But never you mind. Let's just take a look at your skin under the magnifying glass. Oh, my. I haven't seen pores this clogged since I went to Comic-Con 2007 with my brother Terry. Funny your wrinkles don't absorb some of that oil? But don't you worry, because a simple glycolic peel with an apricot base can really work wonders. Or are you allergic to that, too?

Guess who? I know you requested Monica for your pedicure, but since she's busy with some of our important clients right now, you got me instead. But at least we're used to each other by now. In fact, it's been kind of like spending the day with my mother! Is that the polish you've chosen? No, I actually do like it because an electric red hue on your toes will totally draw attention away from your heels. Smart choice! Now let's get you started soaking right away so your skin has a chance to soften up. Oh, and since I had to skip lunch to take care of your feet, there's a chance I might pass out while I'm buffing. If I do, could you just turn off the foot whirpool and dial "9" for the front desk? Use the code word "vapors." Thanks a bunch!

Time for you to check out already? I'll just put today's total on your card. Most people also leave a 30 percent gratuity, but that's just a suggestion. You do what you feel is fair, sweetie. Anyway, thank you so much for spending the day with us! I hope you feel better than you did when you came in. You certainly look better! Now, before you go, would you like me to book your next appointment? Maybe a hot rock massage? No, no that's fine. We can just try to squeeze you in once you've made up your mind. I'm sure your schedule is almost as crazy as ours. Now, you take care and come back soon, OK? Because between you and me, I think you still might be a little tense.


My piece that was originally seen this week at www.thebigjewel.com. Great site with some funny writing.

Tommy Bahama's Less Successful Brothers

Sammy Haiti

Johnny Dominican Republic

Bobby Trinidad and Tobago

Jimmy Guam

Billy Bora Bora

Freddy St. Lucia

Joey Rikers Island


Did I forget any?

Allergies Are Always In Season

MY FUNNY BENADRYL

(to the tune of "My Funny Valentine")

My funny Benadryl
Hot pink, little Benadryl
You make my sneezes disappear
You're an antihistamine
Dip..hen..hydra...mine?
Yet I use you with no fear

Is your dye #27 a little red?
Is my immunity a little dead?
When I want to completely pass out for 8 hours without being congested
Do you drug me?

But don't call me a ju-uhn-kie
Not when you enable me
Stay, little Kirkland Signature version of Benadryl that's so totally cheaper but has the same active ingredient, stay!
Each day is Benadryl Day