1. I will stop telling my husband that the reason I have to drink a glass of wine every night is because "I'm under a lot of pressure from the PTA".
2. I will apologize to my neighbor for 1) signing her up for Rosie O'Donnell's e-mail subscriber list and 2) telling her that I only did it because she reminds me so much of Rosie when she was in that Flinstones movie.
3. I will finally see what my gym looks like from the inside.
4. I will no longer approach pregnant women in public and helpfully suggest that they name their unborn baby "Apollonia 6".*
5. I shall embrace vacuuming as an art form.
6. I will plan meals in advance so that I don't find myself in the kitchen at 5 p.m. trying to make my family's dinner out of two bottles of grape Pedialyte and a half-empty bag of Meow Mix (aka The Purple Pussy Casserole).*
7. I will finally learn how to swim.
8. I will quit telling everyone that I'm listening to cool bands like My Morning Jacket on my iPod when what I'm really listening to is Barry Manilow: Live! and loving every whitebread, lame-ass second of it. Yeah, that's right. I said BARRY. Cause Barry writes the songs that make the whole world sing. What the hell has that Lil Wayne ever done that makes the whole world sing? Uh-huh. That's right. Didn't think so.
9. Instead of getting angry when an obnoxious solicitor calls, this year I will instead hand the phone to 5 year-old Jack and tell him that the guy on the other end really wants to hear all about his favorite Pokemon characters. In explicit detail.
10. I will make a valid effort to stop sending drunk e-mails to Larry King each night with the subject line: For The Love Of God, Pleeze Do The Earth A Favor And Just QUIT Already, You 200 Year-Old Suspender-Wearin' Hack!! We Laydeez Needz Us Some Eye Candeee ASAP!!!!
11. I will explain to husband that it really embarrasses me when he tells people that my favorite movie of all time is Tori Spelling's "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?" when it's really "Big Momma's House: 2". I mean, come on. That shit's hi-larious, man.
12. I will wear matching socks. (At least once a week.)*
13. I will help 7 year-old Sam understand that his new year's resolution can't be to "Be more awesome".
And perhaps the most challenging one of all:
14. This year I'm going to really,really try my best to stop writing blog posts while whacked out on generic Benadryl.*
(*Already broken.)
50 comments:
I never wear matching socks when I work out. They are all the same style, but the writing on the bottom is in different colors. I'm such a rebel that way. :)
And Larry King? Is starting to look like an alien. Be afraid.
Your goals are ambitous but entirely doable. I unashamedly listen to Pieces of 8 by Styx. Kanye is damn good though. And have Jack wear his Diamond Jack mustache as he talks about Peekachoo and the gang.
Happy New Year!
Okay, I might actually read have to your posts thoroughly b/c you are so damn funny. Thanks a lot. Like I have the energy for this.
I would like to know what is so wrong with a meal of Meow mix and Pedialyte and there is no reason for you to go inside the gym as I'm sure they can mail you a brochure with lovely photos of what you will find inside those door.
I really like bernthis' comment about the gym. I'm pretty sure she's right.
My New Year's Resolution is to be as witty as you, Wendi, while whacked on on generic Benadryl.
Oh, yes - Barry! Can't smile without you!
I'm thinking the gym is not going to see my not so skinny white ass this year. Mindless gerbil activity as far as I can see.
I look forward to it! Happy New Year!
LOL! For the love of God, will you be my best friend? *crickets*
I really need to head to a gym, or at least attempt to "ride" the treadmill in my basement, but I may look into vacuuming as an art form instead. Thanks Wendi!
Seriously, unless you've been there, NO ONE understands PTA pressure.
Drink up.
XO
A.
This is hysterical. I never knew that you had so much to work on. I mean, I suspected, but it's nice to have confirmation.
I was once a member of the Barry Manilow Fan Club. Sure, I was 9, but he was once a big deal in my life.
Well the wine is good for your heart, aso you can alternate that one...All the best to you and your poor family in 2009.
(just kiddin of course)
I'm going to have to agree with 7 year-old Sam that "Be more awesome" is indeed a valid New Year's resolution.
That's it - I'm refusing to make any new year's resolutions unless I can think of funny ones.
i love barry,and i don't care who knows it lol
You're better off than you think...
no swim (#7) = no need for a swimsuit body = no need for a gym embership (#3)
Glad we got that straightened out.
Did I ever tell you I'm a former swim coach? I'll give you swim lessons, whenever you want.
I will never tell my husband that I need to drink a glass (or a bottle) of wine, a few beers, or anything else I want to drink just because I'm under so much stress. I will do just bef*$ckin cause I want to!!!
Wendi, a kindred spirit!! I do love me some Barry. I was so happy when I was able to replace my LP of Live! with a CD.... dang, that is some great walking music, and long drive in a car music! And I still giggle at "Reparata, from Lady Flash"! (btw, I have the LP of Lady Flash, too. It's awesomely photoedited in an 80s kind of way.)
Oooooh, I like No. 9... that's a handy one!
Lets start a facebook group encouraging larry king to retire. Who is watching that show???
Isn't wearing matching socks always on your list? Even Jack doesn't match his socks, must come from you!
Wait a minute.....does this New Year's post mean you're not posting today? Come on! I sprung out of bed this morning at the realization that today=Monday=new Wendi rant! I came over here and found a stale three day old list. Don't leave me hangin, girl. I mean, you don't HAFTA scrape up another post, but it'd be way cooler if you did.
Seriously? I'm with you on the swimming thing, but whats wrong with the other things? I think you are putting way too much pressure on yourself. You seem perfectly normal to me!
I just shot coffee out my nose at "Purple Pussy Casserole."
#13 -- "Be more awesome" is actually an *excellent* resolution. Easy to keep! In fact, I hearby declare that to be MY New Year's resolution. I'm already making excellent progress. :)
very funny.. I personally want my nephews T-shirt in my size...
Welcome to COOLSVILLE!
Population: me
I stand behind your PTA defense.Now help me come up with and excuse for the second glass...
What's this crap about "be more awesome" not ranking as a New Year's resolution? It's been my resolution for 15 years now, and I'm not totally sucking at it very much.
Also, Barry IS the man. I gotta side with you on that one.
Ahhh, to have goals. But seriously, can I get that purple cassarole recipe? I just so happen to have the ingredients on hand. Wait... I have bubble gum pedialyte? Will pink substitute?
My new year's resolution is to not et out unless someone else pays for it. So far, I've been to Taco Bueno and Taco Bell on MY dime. ~sigh~
Way cool Wendy!
My kind of resolutions...sort of...oh and to moi, vacuuming is NOT an artform...that's considered HARD TIME-lol!
Don't use me as a ruler- I think any resolutions that don't require a restraining order are good enough.
BTW, you are a HOOT!
Ok, now you have gone and topped all of your other posts! I mean, really! That is FU$K@NG hilarious! Yep, I said it! HILARIOUS!!!!!!
LMAO - these are the best resolutions I've seen yet. I can't crack on the Barry jams, my husband had me load Stayin' Alive and I thought he was a dork. But I totally rock out when it comes on!
I want me some purple pussy casserole asap.
I actually like Larry King! Besides, Anderson Cooper is on after him, and he is a total hottie.
My 14-year-old friend of my son's suggested you just tell a telemarketer your latest dream. She did this and now, it is our secret weapon on combating telemarketing evil.
Thanks for the great idea about putting my kids on the phone for solicitation calls. Vacuuming as a kind of art form? Why do you need a gym membership you could make vacuuming an art form and exercise killing 2 birds with 1 stone.
This. Is. Hilarious. Thanks so much for the great post!!
(To the Tune of Barry's This One's for You)
You've done a hundred blogs
From fantasy to lies
But this one's so real for me
That I'm the one who cries
And I read it every day
And I fight to hide the tears
Cause this one's for you
This one's for you
:D I love this. Esp. the approach to telemarketers. :)
Huh, pressure from the PTA. I like that excuse. Can I use it if I don't actually have children? Or know what the PTA technically does?
I found you on Mrs G's blog and girl, you are hilarious! Love the blog and love the resolutions.
Thank you for giving me the biggest sustained laugh thus far this year. I needed it.
You really should write comedy. Seriously.
I just had one resolution this year - to lose weight. So my loving daughter took me out this evening for a "walk", made me run, I puked in the neighbor's yard said "F*&#^$%@ THIS" came in and popped open an ice cold beer.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I can't match socks. That is an effing deal breaker for me and this list.
Now I can't stop thinking about Purple Pussy Casserole and laughing. Could be a problem when I get on the train in 30 minutes...
I loved every single one of those! If you weren't on Benadryl would you be funnier? I can't even imagine that.
Okay, this is for realz. My favorite Lifetime movie is Mother May I Sleep With Danger. I devoted a whole chapter to it in my new book. The chapter's called WWTSD and it's all about breaking up with a guy by pretending that I'm the one who's crazy ("It's my mom! She's the one keeping us apart!) Oh Tori!
I want you to bring that purple pussy casserole to your next PTA meeting. Don't forget to put that little placecard next the dish!
Heh, you said pussy.
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