Sunday, December 07, 2008

The Last Picture Show


When's the movie gonna come on, mommy?

Soon. Right after the trailers.

Whaddya mean "TRAILERS"?

Shhhh! The previews. And remember to whisper, OK?

Remember to WHAT?

To whisper!

WHAT?

I SAID "REMEMBER TO WHISPER"!

Shhh, mommy! You're too loud! Those people over there are looking at us.

Just eat your popcorn, Sam. It's almost time for the talking squirrel movie to start.

It's a talking dog movie, mommy.

Whatever. All I know is I'm facing 72 minutes of animated hell.

What?

Man, I wish I'd smuggled in a six-pack with us today. Now THAT would have been a genius move. In fact, that's the only way my friend Karen kept herself from taking a cyanide pill during "Space Chimps". Maybe there's a liquor store that delivers...like a 1-800-WineNow place? Nah. There's probably some obscure "law" that bans bringing alcohol into a kid's movie, anyway. Stupid MPAA. Although, maybe that pimply kid manning the popcorn machine is holding. Lord knows those dark circles had to come from SOMETHING illegal, so...

What are you saying?

Just that this movie is going to be AWESOME!

Shhhh! Those people are looking at us again.

OK, OK. Let's be quiet. No more talking.

OK, no talking. HEY, MOMMY--WHO'S THAT GIRL?

Shhh! Her name is Jennifer Aniston.

Jennifer Apiston?

Annn-i-ston.

Oh. Who's she?

Former sitcom star turned movie-actress. Who, if you ask me, definitely can't open a movie on her own. Probably why she's in a Christmas picture with a dog and a Wilson brother. Anyway, Jennifer once had a great haircut and was married to hottie Brad Pitt, but then he left her for that homewrecker/ humanitarian Angelina Jolie and now he's called "Brangelina" and has 15 kids who eat a lot of Cheetos. But don't worry, because Jennifer's still strong. Even though I hear she's now on-again with John Mayer, who's really kind of icky but still has some great songs if you pretend it's not him singing when you listen to them. I myself usually pretend it's the Doobie Brothers. Anyway, will Jennifer ever find true love? Will she ever have a baby? Will she ever agree to a pay-per-view cage match with Angelina? At this point, Sam, we can only hope.

Well, you look like her.

What?

I SAID, MOMMY, YOU LOOK LIKE JENNIFER ANISTON!

Shhhh! Those people over there just heard you.

Oh. Is that why they're laughing so much?

Just hand me the popcorn, Sam. I think I hear the squirrels talking.


26 comments:

the mama bird diaries said...

yeah, it's BYOW at those kid flicks.

and if you ever posted a photo of yourself, we would all see that you are a Jennifer Anniston twin (without all the emotional baggage).

WA said...

Trust me, I look nothing like Jennifer. More like Tracey Gold. Or at least I THINK that's why I send drunk e-mails to Kirk Cameron.

Cheryl Prater said...

I'd rather be bludgeoned about the face and neck with a big gulp than sit through a movie where the speaking parts are given to digital vermin.

Amber in Albuquerque said...

Maybe she's using the new hot oil treatment too! Come on, don't tell me you hadn't considered doing an infomercial. :) (Glad you are OK)

Amber in Albuquerque said...

Here's a funny story. A long time ago my book club read "Marley and Me". I skipped it (bad, bad person). So when the casting news breaks someone sends out the e-mail too book club: "Jennifer Anniston and Owen Wilson are starring in the movie version of Marley and Me". I replied "Which one is Marley?" Book club was not amused.

Deb said...

Madagascar 2 wasn't bad. I got through it without drinking at all.

MadMad said...

Oh, see, this is EXACTLY why I knit - it makes these movies tolerable. And I'm glad to hear the oil spill didn't ruin your looks!

Marinka said...

"Homewrecking humanitarian"--perfect!
I'm sure you look like a more fit Jennifer Aniston, right?

Jonny's Mommy said...

So...somehow I lost my link to you and forgot your address and now I can't get your feed to update in my google reader and so I jumped here from BernThis, so glad to have finally found you again. I needed a good laugh and knew you could give it to me. And you did. Oh you did.

If I find a liquor store that delivers, I will let you know.

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

If my son said I looked like Jennifer Anniston we would be leaving the theater so that I could reward him with many expensive gifts of his choosing. Unfortunately, I look more like Ricky Lake, so no gifts for my kid!

Mehitabels said...

"Ka-woo-snort-spl-unk" was the sound of my head hitting the keyboard whilst trying to laugh quietly so I didn't wake the Nibblet.

Fail.

Now I have to go feed my kid with "RTUIREFG" on my forehead.

Cat said...

Holy shit, I am dying over here. You gotta get one of those "bladder" backpack things and stuff it full of vodka. No one would be the wiser.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Laughing my butt off and choking on my coffee. You are too much. Just do what I do, hand the kids over to their aunt to take them to the theater, and you go do the other fun activities with the kids that are more tolerable.

Okay, I kid. Actually, I have perfected a 'zoning out' state so I get through it all very well...and with minimal drool on my clothes!

Sandra said...

Which is exactly why I haven't taken my kids to a movie theater ever. I let Grandma do it.

Anonymous said...

I may or may not have taken a six pack to a movie once. I had a giant purse at the time.

Elizabutt

Orion said...

HAHAHA... what i wouldn't give to go to a movie with you and have the pleasure of listening to your narrations.

Charmaine said...

I read about you on Marinkas blog and now I'm doing what she used to do.

I'm just sitting here waiting for your next blog update.

tic tok tic tok tic tok

Maddnessofme said...

You are only breaking the no alcohol law if they catch you. My advice is that you don't let the bottle tip over and roll down the theater.

Just one little pearl of wisdsom I happen to have.

Charmaine said...

I'm linking to your blog.

How do I nominate you for a blog award? I mean, how is it done?

You, Bernthis and Marinka must be awarded. I insist.

Belle said...

As time passes, you will find that the roles reverse. I have to beg my kids to take me to the movies. My son spends most of the time telling ME to shut up while I am sucking the liqueur out of my chocolates. I wouldn't make so much noise if he and his sister clubbed together and bought me a new set of teeth.

Vodka Mom said...

omg that is TOO damn funny. It just takes me back. whew.

katy (aka funny girl) said...

This is why I'm so grateful our movie theater has a bar. You get your popcorn, your twizzlers, and your vodka tonic...it's all good.

Stefanie said...

Pure awesomeness. And you know my feelings about John Meyer.

Stefanie said...

When is our bff-ship going to get going?

phd in yogurtry said...

A cage match -- that is hilarious. And though I am staunchly against violent competition, I would pay to see that.

veliv said...

thnks