Monday, December 01, 2008

Afterburn


As some of you know, last week I completely disqualified myself from ever appearing on "Top Chef" when I splashed my face with hot oil while trying to cook a chicken. It wasn't one of my finest moments in the kitchen, to say the least. (And, just for the record, the evil chicken in question was actually frozen at the time of the incident. Not alive. I'm not into organic food that much.)

(Or voodoo.)

But as a result of my amazing ineptitude, I was left with a lovely array of first and second-degree burns on the left side of my face, including my eyelid and my neck. It was nasty. It was painful. And it made me look like I should be out somewhere haunting an opera. And although all I wanted to do was just get under the covers and pout for a few days, unfortunately, it was Thanksgiving, so I instead had to get up, dust myself off and put my Vicodin back in the medicine cabinet until the day comes when I will once again be in dire need of it. Like the next time I have a c-section or a parent/teacher conference or something.

Anyway, despite the fact that I spent the weekend slouching around with a giant lavender bucket hat on my head that made me look like a butch Woody Allen, as of today, everything has healed very nicely and my skin now looks like it's back to normal. Well, actually, it looks better than normal. It looks fantastic. Seriously, the left side of my face is now smoother than a baby's bottom and the wrinkles, age spots and dryness have all but disappeared for good. Something that no expensive spa treatment has ever been able accomplish in all my years of trying. Which has me thinking--do you suppose Estee Lauder would be interested in hearing about my new Age-Defying Wrinkle-Reversing Glow-Inducing Hot-Chicken-And-Grease beauty treatment?

Yeah. Neither do I.

And that's why I'm planning on making dinner in the microwave from now on.


(Thanks to everyone for all of the sweet comments and e-mails last week. I really, truly appreciate the concern and promise to not get hurt again. At least for a couple of days.)




22 comments:

Gray Matter said...

Oh my God!! I am a horrible bloggy friend. I'm just getting caught up on what happened! That must have been terrifying, but leave it to you to turn it into a hilarious story.
Before I spend one more penny on these laser skin treatments I should probably ask...can I have your chicken recipe? xo B

Deb said...

I am sorry to hear about what happened! I think you should capitalize on it though, and get rich with your new idea!

Amy said...

And you said I need bubble wrap??!?!?

Mama Monkey said...

Hmmm ... are you sure Estee Lauder wouldn't be interested? People put themselves through horrible things in the name of beauty treatments. In a world where women are having their labia removed for "cosmetic reasons," anything is possible. Sorry, you REALLY didn't want to hear that first thing in the morning, did you?

Seriously, you don't know me, but I read your blog faithfully because I love your sense of humor. I am sorry you went through that excruciating ordeal, and I really glad you're feeling better.

Oh, and I am TOTALLY going to steal your idea about keeping some Vicodin on hand for whenever I have to go to a parent-teacher conference. :-P

Judy Merrill Larsen said...

First, so sorry about the burns. Eek.

Second, how cool your skin is younger, smoother, and firmer.

Third, as a former teacher, I'd like to say that sharing the vicodin at parent-teacher conferences would be a good thing for all!

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I'm so glad your skin is ok and you've emerged even better! Perhaps the hot chicken oil mask will become all the rage.

Anonymous said...

jeesh, and i thought you were exaggerating for effect last week. like that time at warner bros. when keanueuau (sp??) reeves' water bottle dripped on your desk and it became the incident where he threw a glass of imported champagne in your face because it wasn't chilled just right.
glad to hear you're better.
pjc

Orion said...

Cosmetic stuff is strange like that, just when you think spa treatments with flesh eating fish is sort of acceptable, you gotta throw a flesh melting wrap of frozen chicken breast grease on your eyelids just to be invited to a C-list actor's dance competition.

acceptable for women, even if they look like a cat and they can blink their aureoles at you.

unacceptable for men, not even a serious skin condition makes it okay... Got that Micheal?!

Sorry about the burn, BTW... and I try to think seriously about the situation, but dammit! stop making readable parts so funny.

Memarie Lane said...

beauty is pain, highness. anyone that says anything different is just trying to sell you something.

Cheryl Prater said...

Don't avoid injury on our account, your pain in our gain. Glad you have effectively exfoliated with Wesson.

Cat said...

Ouch, sheesh. That hurts. I've only ever burnt my hands and arms on hot oil, I can't imagine the face. But HOORAY for new skin!

hokgardner said...

I'm glad to hear that you are healing well. Hope your thanksgiving at the beach was fun.

rightonmom said...

Step away from the frozen chicken, ma'am, lol! Glad to hear you're recovering nicely. Ya know, I'm pretty sure that's how the women of old kept themselves lovely.

VE said...

I think it is Crisco you put on your face for that nice well baked tan. Hot grease works a little too quickly for my tastes...

Oh, and I am calling upon you to help VE in his time of need. See my Tue Dec 2nd post for important details. I thank you in advance.

Sharon said...

Okay, Seriously, we are conjoined twins joined at the.....I dunno....at the freak accident? Sadly, in Canada they don't give out vicadin like candy. I'm thinking of moving to the U.S. Do you have room at your house? I have wine.

http://www.yummymummyclub.ca/the_inside_scoop

the mama bird diaries said...

So glad you're on the mend. Of course, I really would have loved to see some before and after shots of your recovery but I'll get over it. The important thing is that you're ok.

I mean, just a couple photos is all I'm asking for.

Lady Weasel said...

Glad to hear you recovered! I still have a slight scar on my right middle finger from the molten sugar I got stuck to it. It was really fun after it quit hurting. I loved showing it to people. :)

jamey r said...

I cannot tell you how many times I have thought about this while cooking lately.

MadMad said...

I, too, was not quite sure just how bad the burns were, from your story. Wow. Scary. I am so glad you're OK, though.

Cooper Green said...

Here's another sappy comment wishing you happy healing, and trusting that baby bottom softness will visit the right side of your face as well, without having to resort to more oil. Hey. Let's be careful out there.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

So that's how I can get through parent/teacher conferences? Vicodin! Thanks a mil' Wendi!

And I'm glad to hear your face is much better.

Carmi said...

OMG...this is why cooking has always scared me! And why our microwave is my best friend, too (though truth be told, I can - and have - hurt myself there, as well.)

My wishes for a fast, easy and complete recovery. Anyone who can write about an experience like this with such grace and humor is a great blogger indeed.