Monday, October 20, 2008

Great Moments In Housewifery



On October 17th, 2008, Texas housewife Mrs. Aarons woke up to find there were no cold cans of Diet Coke in her Kenmore side-by-side refrigerator. This was very distressing news for Mrs. Aarons, as well as for everyone within a 5-mile radius, because it is well-known that when Mrs. Aarons does not have her morning soda, she becomes "bitchier than a premenstrual fashion model" and will then drive through her subdivision trying to hit random joggers with her late-model Volvo.

Wanting to avoid this somewhat unsavory scenario, Mrs. Aarons then made the fateful decision to put one can of Diet Coke into her freezer so it could quickly cool down. "What a brilliant move!" thought the fair housefrau. "Why, after I make two lunches, feed the dog, brush my hair, fold some towels, defrost a chicken and touch-up the grout in the guest bathroom, I'll just remember to take my soda out of the freezer! There's NO WAY I'll forget it in there! After all, it's not like I have the short-term memory of a housecat or something!"

Unfortunately, Mrs. Aarons has the short-term memory of a housecat or something, so seven hours later, when opening the freezer to find dinner, she was shocked to see that there had been a rather calamitous aspartame explosion all over her collection of frozen food. "Sweet Jesus!" Mrs. Aarons yelled. "Who the hell barfed on my pot pies!?" It was then that Mrs. Aarons remembered her long-lost Diet Coke and, putting her 4th grade knowledge of science to use, she surmised that the soda must have expanded when it froze, thereby shattering through its restrictive container. "Just like my ass does when I try to put on my skinny jeans!" she marveled. "That's amazing!"

The next two hours of Mrs. Aarons' busy day were filled with cursing and washing icy diet soda crystals off of her assorted frozen food items. Finally taking her hands out of the hot, soapy water, she placed the last freshly-scrubbed popscicle back into the freezer door, then stood back to admire her handiwork. "Well, I might not be the most accomplished housewife in the world," she whispered to herself. "Or the thinnest. Or the cutest. Or even the one who's taking the least amount of meds. But dammit--if I don't have the cleanest bags of frozen peas anyone has ever laid eyes on, then you can all just go screw yourselves with a Swiffer Wet-Jet."

And for that, Mrs. Aarons, we say "Job well done!"










33 comments:

Orion said...

Swiffers are satanic contractors for everything that goes wrong in the kitchen, i even have proof.

i never froze a can of soda, but as a child i did spray my grandmother in the face with a can of caffeine free diet coke just before a long run at the lake.

Lady Weasel said...

It's really funny to watch my supervisor try and drink the bottle of soda he forgot in the freezer.

Sharon said...

Seriously, I think we were separated at birth.

Anonymous said...

Dare I suggest pouring the soda over ice?

Shelly said...

To my never ending shame, I have done this with a bottle of wine. Now I set a timer when I put something in the freezer to chill.

BeeBee said...

I once did this with a 2 liter bottle. AND had a pile of coffee grounds in the fridge (Um, supposed to absorb odors, whatever). You can only imagine the mess. AND it clogged up the drain for the defroster.
I don't do wine, Shelly. It freezes the liquid in the cork and then I can't get the darned thing open. And what good is a bottle of wine you can't open?

SportsFan's Daughter said...

I have been a victim of a similar fro-splosion, mine resulting from a party guest showing up with a bottle of room temperature CHAMPAGNE.

In other news, SOY SAUCE DOES NOT FREEZE. It does, however, wage a ninja attack on the gallon size zip-lock that one might attempt to freeze it in, so that it leaks it's completely UNFROZEN sauciness all over the freezer. Consider yourself warned.

Anonymous said...

http://margaretandhelen.wordpress.com/2008/10/03/bitch-there-i-said-it/

an austin blog you may enjoy!

jamey r said...

I sewed a button on today. I had planned on demanding praise for this minor act from my entire family for the rest of the day...but now I feel my act is nothing compared to clean peas. Fuck you W.A.

P.S. May I comment to your anonymous comment that ice taste like shit and diet coke comes in a can and is to be imbibed from one.

P.P.S. Please forgive my use of the word imbibed, I couldn't remember the drink, drank, drunk rule and didn't want to come off sounding like an idiot. I have obviously failed.

Danielle Janson said...

Thank you Wendi! I needed this at the end of the day I've had. Totally off topic...but I know you'll feel my pain. My fabulous plantar fascitis has gotten worse...how you ask? Because I somehow managed to completely rupture my plantar fascia. Thus putting me in one of those fanfreakintastic big black booties that go from toe to knee and immobilizes me. I've managed to lose 35 lbs recently w/ diet and exercise...exercise which I now cannot do. For how long? 4-6 weeks! I have to be in this damn thing for 4-6 weeks!!!! Oh, did I mention I have 4 1/2 year old twins to chase after??? UGH!!!

So thank you so much for your blog! It always makes me smile!!!

Lissa Jane said...

hello petal
cracked me up..
I did this with not one, not two, but a WHOLE FRIGGIN' carton of coke at the kids school.. I was the CANTEEN lady and had to clean a million iceblocks that were coated in sweet cokiness..
tip from the land of lissa... if you put anything that fizzes in the freezer at home, set your oven timer to remind you to get that bastard thing out.. and also, put fing that fizzes and is popped into freezer INTO A BAG..

saves cleaning the freezer when you forget about the oven timer..



Lissa
also a coke addict (good unleaded diet coke)

Lela said...

Vodka is always a safe bet in the freezer.

Momma B said...

Interesting, very interesting!

Or should I say, been there, bitched about that?

There is nothing worse than pop all over the freezer, unless it is milk spilled all over and then somewhat under everything! That is a kindness that only my children seem to know how to bestow upon me.

And, yes, it is ok to cry over spilled milk, because it becomes sour cream or cottage cheese if it gets under the fridge or some other object that is not moveable by the likes of me!

Ok, I can breath now!

*Akilah Sakai* said...

she becomes "bitchier than a premenstrual fashion model"

Sweet Jeebus that was hilarious!

I brought Buzz Cola when they were promoting The Simpson's Movie and I stored it on the top shelf of my pantry. I have no clue how a tiny hole ended up in two of the cans but it caused a horrible, sticky mess from top to bottom on my freakin' groceries! I flipped!

MadMad said...

OMG! I thought I'd come to the wrong place! There is A PICTURE!

OK. I've recovered. Now I'm off to read the post.

MadMad said...

Dude. Job very well done.

Cheryl Prater said...

You are such an over achiever. I just settle for defrosting ground meat in the fridge until it leaks blood all over the shelf and sticks the Yoplait to the glass.

Kudos! How can we all be more like Mrs. Aarons? Something to think about.

Mama Monkey said...

ROFL!! I've been known to freeze a bottle of wine.

Tracy said...

"Who the hell barfed on my pot pies!?"

'tis a sentence I never thought I would read & a laugh I never thought would stop.

. . . then the whole skinny jeans ditty. Too funny!

Muchas gracias!

coffeypot said...

"...bitchier than a premenstrual fashion model." I didn't know models had periods. They are so anemic and undernourished and all, I thought their bodies just shut down. I mean, they can eat a pea and look pregnant.

And for future use; diet cokes freeze at 32 degrees just like water. But dementia has a way of hiding that fact. However, you did accomplish one thing, you have the best frozen peas in the country.

JENJEN said...

i just love reading your blogs. i wanted to tell you that i am the same way with a regular coke in the morning...if there isnt one, i go nutso!! great blogs =) thanks for making my day again!!!!

bernthis said...

Been there, done that, more than once, I will admit. However, it wouldn't be beyond me to think I could do it again but THIS TIME get it in time. Hahahahahahahahaha God I make myself laugh.

rightonmom said...

"...or even the one taking the least amount of meds..." Do you live in my neighborhood?! I think it's time to up the ante there.
Very funny, 'Mrs. Aarons'.

Sandra said...

Frozen wine does not taste the same after it's been thawed. I know this from experience.

My husband has been known to forget about the beers he's put in the freezer. Many a time I've carried frozen Corona's to the sink the day after.

Cassie said...

I have done that more times than I care to admit. To remedy the situation, I quit drinking coke/soda/pop/whateveryoucallit. lol

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Just discovered you thru Miguelina. And I will most definitely be back!

Gray Matter said...

That is utterly ridiculous--fashion models don't get PMS. One, they are only 13 years old, hence, pre-menstral and two, when you weigh less than a bag of warehouse store rice you tend not to get your period.

But seriously, short term memory of a house cat--brilliant! This is why I use my cell phone alarm for EVERYTHING, including while I'm preheating the oven. I would totally have burnt down the house by now otherwise.

Sue said...

Very nicely put. I am a little jealous of those clean peas.

Ben said...

You have no idea how many times I've done that with MT. Dew. I've found over time, through repeated stupidity that 45 min to an hour is perfect for a was-room-temperature soda to get to prime drinking condition.

Deb said...

Clean frozen bags of peas are so underrated. Thank you for giving them the attention they deserve.

marathon mom said...

Who are these commenters? Diet Coke over ice? If it comes from a can, it stays in the can. If it comes out of a fountain, it goes in glass. And the 2 liters aren't worth the trouble.

Anonymous said...

Did you know that in the winter your car's trunk can turn in to a giant freezer? And if you leave a 1/2 a case of Coke in your trunk in the winter you too can have a trunk fully of sticky sugary goodness for years to come. :)

Fairly Odd Mother said...

Um, maybe next time he could just add a few cubes of ice to your warm soda? (written from the person who has exploded bottles of beer in her fridge more times than I care to remember: sing along with me, "10 bottles of beer exploded in fridge, 10 bottles of beer, take one out and wash it all down, 9 bottles of beer. . ."). And should your husband ever need to be neutered (if he hasn't been already), he'll be mighty happy you have a clean bag of peas in the fridge just waiting for him.