Monday, October 27, 2008

The 12 Days of Halloween, Give or Take a Day

On the first day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
A big bag of chocolate candy

On the second day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
Two Snickers bars

And a big bag of chocolate candy

On the third day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
Three Gummi bears
Two Snickers bars
And a big bag of chocolate candy

On the fourth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
Four Bit-O-Honeys
Three Gummi bears
Two Snickers bars
And big bag of chocolate candy

On the fifth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
Four Bit-O-Honeys
Three Gummi bears
Two Snickers bars
And a big bag of chocolate candy

On the sixth day of Halloween, my true love gave to me
Six rolls of back fat
Seven pounds of cellulite
And eight body parts a-jigglin'...?

Um, WTF, True Love?

Seriously, what's the deal with all of this Trick-or-Treat candy? Don't you know by now that I can't contain myself around anything "Funsized"? That I have the impulse control of a hyper-active toddler? That I'm perfectly willing to trade-in our king-sized bed for a king-sized Kit Kat? And surely you remember last year when I tried to shoot-up three pounds of melted Butterfingers, then nearly OD'd on Twizzlers? See, the thing is, I just can't be around anything that comes in a brightly-colored wrapper or I might do something crazy like fill up the bathtub with miniature Mr.Goodbars and then try to drown myself. What can I say? I'm very weak.

So, please, True Love. Please return all 5,730 pieces of this candy to the nearest Costco warehouse just as soon as you can. This Halloween, we're giving out pennies.


Momma B said...

Good Show WA! Perfectly delightful!

I completely agree and approve this message!

Huh, should have used that line on the don't vote for WA post! Oh well!

Orion said...


Last night I busted open the candy stash. I ate half the bag of 'body parts" before she finally noticed and made me stop...

no control. i LOVE gummies.

Moi said...

I had ginormous Mr. Man hide the candy somewhere high while I wasn't looking. This is all part of my plan to NOT eat the candy.

Of course, that was before it became my mission to outsmart Mr. Man and find the candy.

MadMad said...

I just discovered Australian mango flavored licorice. It's like a gummy for grownups (not that regular gummies aren't perfect for grownups, too, come to think of it, but I digress.) I cannot stop inhaling them long enough to eat the Halloween candy. So at least there's that.

pat said...

Butterfingers...I already ate that whole bag...

Marinka said...

Hysterical! But I'm here to help. Send it my way and say nothing more about it.

kim said...


Judy Merrill Larsen said...

Yeah, so my plan this year was to buy the mega-sized bag from Target with candy I don't like. The thinking being that since I don't like it, I won't eat it. Yeah, well, I've suddenly taken to craving sweet tarts, chewy sweet tarts, and sweet tart smarties. Craving to the degree that I always have one of those damn mini-bags in my purse and another in my pocket and a few in my car.

I'm thinking this is how a meth addiction starts.

You never think you'll like the stuff until you find that you do.

hokgardner said...

Husband went to the store last week and bought 4 huge bags of halloween candy. "Now we won't have to buy any for the trick-or-treaters" he said with pride. Ha! He's eaten at least one of the bags, and I've eaten most of another. We'll end up making an emergency run to the store for whatever dregs are left late Friday afternoon.

Momma B said...

Did I mention the fact that my husband and I did in a bag of fun size Kit Kats without the kids finding out? BAD NEWS having candy bars that the kids don't know exist, because you will eat them all and FAST before they find out!

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Sweet Jeebus that was freakin' hilarious! I hear you loud and clear Wendi.

I have a sweet tooth like no other. I eat the candy for the trick-or-treaters, I eat my kid's candy, I have Reese's, Kit-Kats, Snickers & Twix cooling in the fridge as part of my personal stash and I ordered 2 cases of Cinnamon Mentos from recently (this flavor is horribly addictive).

Why is my left eye twitching like that?

Cat said...

Very festive! I am so going to steal your penny idea. That's a great idea, and I don't have to worry about anyone eating those...except, well, the children...but hey! They aren't my kids so it's not my problem!

Queen Goob said...

...six rolls of back fat...

You. Are. HOT!!!

Hey! I have a sure-cure-fixit! Make sure your kids play LOTS of sports because inevitably there will be a game of some sorts that falls on Halloween.

This year? High School Football!!!

At a private Christian school. Think they'll be opposed to my pole-dancer outfit? They're Southern Baptists so they should be cool, right?

Deb said...

Ok. You are so on the mark here. I bought a big bag of candy LAST NIGHT at Sam's Club, and swore I wouldn't open it till Halloween.

As of lunchtime, I had eaten 3 Snickers and 2 or 3 Milky Way.

I suck. But the candy is yummy. Last Halloween I ate so much I felt sick. Did I learn my lesson? I don't think so.

Stefanie said...

So sadly true about my life as well. Sitting at a computer writing all day while huge bags of candy lurk in the cupboard is never a good idea. Not unless you really like back fat.

Sue said...

Yeah, I have plenty of Hall. candy and no trick or treaters.
Why did they have to name the little candy 'fun size'? It is so fun and it makes me eat it! Why didn't they call it ' eat too much and you'll grow bigger thighs size'?

the mama bird diaries said...

You can't give out pennies! Choking hazard. Give out raisins. Raisin are icky.

rightonmom said...

Only 5730 pieces? Here I thought you had more serious issues with the whole candy mess! Too funny. And back fat is just awful.

bernthis said...

I literally feel like a kid in a candy store and I feel your pain. You're right. It's the colors. I love the colors. I want to touch the colors, feel the colors, eat the co....I'm now breathless.

Lady Weasel said...

Don't get me started on Kit-Kats, Twix, Reece's, M&M's ....

My ass is expanding just thinking about it! :(

Cassie said...

LOL! Our town is so small we still get people that give out non-razor blade filled apples and homemade treats.

Pencils and toothbrushes are big here too.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

I'm seriously buying candy for the trick-or-treaters on my way home from work on Friday night. I cannot resist the siren song of chocolate - this I know.

Amy said...

The worse part is the stores start putting the Halloween candy out in, what like August?

Silent Stick said...

Soon, you'll be putting skulls, spiders and broomsticks on a tree for Halloween and changing the decorations to fit the appropriate holiday that falls within 30 days. :|

Thanks big corporations.. :(

o2bq2 said...

Hello from South Florida! We just got your "letter to Proctor/Gamble" via email chain this morning and LOVED IT!!! Googled you and here I am.

Considering the mess our country is currently in, we desperately need humor right now. The correct kind, not the jokes running for President or killing Wall Street. I've forwarded your "letter" as far as Japan (sis-in-law is stationed there) and know it'll bring many, many smiles.

So keep up the great work!!!

And, yes, I polished off a bag of Milky Way Midnights last night. Halloween is definitely NOT the best holiday for the scale challenged. But, then, what decent holiday is?

Anonymous said...

I know I'm late on this, but I wanted to let you know that Snickers Bars are actually well-rounded meals. I have it all figured out! The peanuts are protein, there's milk in the chocolate, the nougat is like the bread group, and there has to be some corn involved in corn syrup, so there's your vegetable! All you need now is an adult beverage! (No dietician will agree with me on this, but I know that they really want to!)