Monday, September 15, 2008

Scratch That Itch


Today I was planning to write about something of crucial importance to our world. Like America's dependence on foreign oil or how come those jackasses at Target switched their fountain drinks from Diet Coke to Diet Pepsi, inconsiderate bastards. But then, a few minutes ago, that all went out the window because when I was just out in my front yard, minding my own business and simply trying to spy on the neighbors a little, tragedy struck.

Or, more specifically, the mothereffin' fire ants hiding in my flower beds did.

Now, after their savage attack, I have itchy, stinging bites on my feet, my arms and, quite possibly, my cankles. I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. And the worst part is, I didn't do ANYTHING to them to deserve such horrible treatment. Well, besides dumping all of that poison fire ant killer on the yard, but still. I thought they'd see that I'm a good person and instead go bite someone who really deserves it. Someone like that hairy guy down the street who has 200 NRA bumperstickers on his truck. I mean, I'd bite him myself if I could stand the taste of skin and Drakkar for more than a second.

But you know what, Ants? I'm strong. I'm tough. I can handle this. What's a few hundred cc's of poisonous ant venom to me? You don't know WHO you're infecting, you stupid ants. In fact, I once--whoops, hold on. Just feeling a little bit itchy here. Let me take a deep breath and it'll pass. Whoooooo. There, that's better. OK, now where was I? Oh, right. One time when I had a job interview to be the assistant to Skippy on "Family Ties"...oh, God. There it is again. It's like the worst itching I've ever felt. But I'm not going to scratch it. NO, I CAN NOT SCRATCH! I CAN NOT SCRATCH! Because if I do, it'll just get infected, right? Isn't that what Dr. Oz says? So, I'm just going to igno...SHIT! What the hell, you evil ants? I am SOOO itchy! What's in your venom, anyway? Napalm? Agent Orange? Frickin' Tang? Man, this is just completely fuc...whoooo. Calmness. I am calm.

So, anyway, there I am, telling Skippy, or Marc, that's his real name, few people know that, how I always thought Mallory was a bit of a...OH, CRAP ON A CRACKER, MY FEET HURT LIKE A LOUSY BITCH! DAMNDAMNDAMN! DAMN YOU ANTS! DAMN YOU TO HELL!! YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW THIS "TURN THE OTHER CHEEK" BULLSHIT! I'M GOING TO GO MEDIEVAL ON YOUR LITTLE OVAL-SHAPED FIRE ANT ASSES RIGHT NOW!! SOMEBODY HAND ME MY FOOD PROCESSOR! MOMMY'S GOTTA GO PUREE SOME EVIL!!

Whoooo.

And...I'm back. No big deal. Nothin' to see here, people. Just had to go bathe myself in some hydrocortisone cream for a few minutes. But you don't think they really mean all those warnings they put on the tube about not using more than one tablespoon at a time, do you? That's just so they don't get sued, right? Anyway, I've decided that I'm just going to remain strong now and not scratch myself. I know I can do it. I do practice yoga, after all. Kundalini. So, now that I'm back to normal, let me just expound for a few minutes on my picks for this year's Nobel Prize and then I'll...OH, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! YOU SONOFABITCH ANTS!!! I'M ITCHY!! I'M SOOOOO ITCHY!! I'M OFF THE CHARTS IIIII-TTTTCHHHHYYYY!!! AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!! I JUST CAN'T!!!! WHERE'S A TREE? I NEED A TREE!! I NEED A DAMN TREE!! PINE! MAPLE! BONSAI! I DON'T CARE WHAT KIND IT IS! BUT ONCE I FIND ONE, I'M GOING TO GO RUB MYSELF AGAINST IT LIKE A METH-ADDICTED GRIZZLY BEAR!!! AUGHHH!

Whooooo...

Well, that's it for this week. I guess I didn't get to enlighten anyone about what's going on in the world too much. But let me leave you with just one last thing: if you're planning on going outside and standing on an ant hill, be sure to wear socks. Trust me on this.

Now I'm off to go find some sandpaper and vodka.















Um,

25 comments:

hokgardner said...

Oh no socks. Because then they get trapped in your socks and just when you think you've gotten rid of them all, one crawls out and gets you. Trust me. I know this from experience.

And I've found that pure aloe works wonders on the bites.

WA said...

Oh, good tips. I actually have an aloe plant growing right in my front yard that I've been waiting to use in an emergency. Here I go.

Orion said...

You're off to a great start with the vodka... and i would tell you to smother your foot in peanut butter, put a thick wool sock on, and stand on wet cement... but that wouldn't help you at all. Funny. but not helpful.

i must agree with the gardner...
rubbing alcohol... and aloe.

phelps family said...

Try benadryl gel, I've found it to be a miracle worker

Christy said...

Oooh! You're like Willard! Except with ants instead of rats. And you didn't give them names and talk to them. And they bit you instead of killed you. But other than that, EXACTLY like Willard! Just thought I'd point that out. Feel better!

Lisa said...

OK, the part of this post that made me LOL was "those bastards at Target who switched the Diet Coke to Diet Pepsi". Who even drinks Diet Pepsi? Not me.

And next time, don't stand on top of the ant hill. I'm just sayin : ).

Momma B said...

Absolutely Hi---LARIOUS!!!!

BTW, there is a wonderful little tube of relief called Itch-X, if you can find it. It is probably in drug stores or something like that.

marathon mom said...

That totally pisses me off about the diet coke.

zellmer said...

Drakkar. That's perfect.

Nikita said...

Haha, that was really funny. I've been reading these when I get bored with math or something, always makes me laugh!
Crap on a cracker" was hilarious! The phrase I use is "poop on a stick." Yeah...I get weird looks for that one!
Anyways, great post, keep them coming, and I'll keep reading them! :D

Amy said...

Itch X, sounds like it's next to Head On. What wonderful names for products!

Lissa Jane said...

oh my gosh... too freaking funny.. was thinking 'is she gonna sandpaper her legs then douse vodka on them? what a waste of vodka!!!' then the stupid left me (hey I am having a blonde friday here - its tuesday btw) hope you aren't suffering too much.. no fire ants here in aussieland but their evil bastard rellies live over 'yonder' and they sting like a bitch too.. bastard things...



Lissa
who thinks vodka cures all ails..
PS antihistamine might be worth a shot.. or a shot or ten of vodka.. :O))

Spillar said...

Oh forget the vodka, hire an anesthesiologist to come to your home and put you to sleep for a few days until the itching is gone

Deb said...

Vodka!! Oh yeah. In no time at all, you'll forget about the itch. If you really want to have some fun, take Benadryl while drinking vodka. Then you'll sleep for days.

I loved Skippy. He rocked.

Feel better!

TLCknits said...

you poor thing...Lived in Lake Dallas for 5 yrs. and was lucky to never get bitten.. hubby and kids were not so lucky...benadryl spray - worked for them. hope it subsides soon.

the mama bird diaries said...

I really want to know about your interview to be Skippy's assistant. Is that job still open?

Sorry about the ants. That sounds way miserable.

Sharon said...

I love that your blogs revolve around alcohol - just like mine - I think we really were separated at birth :)

Tracy said...

Wendi:

We just rode out hurricane Ike, lived for a few days without power, cleaned up debris, finally evacuated, changed hotels, and my seven year old son's only complaint: fire ant bite itchies. They are nothing to laugh at . . . unless we are reading your post. Thanks so much!

Anonymous said...

Go to your nearest pharmacy and ask for the strongest topical benzocaine product they have over-the-counter. Compare the benzocaine strengths (%) in cold sore meds to their strongest topical cream/ointment/spray. The benzocaine will numb the "fire" and help you not scratch.

pat said...

keep the vodka flowing and try Preparation H gel.....:); you know it takes away the itch and sting of embarassing ant bites.

Minivan Mom said...

Don't be hatin' on Diet Pepsi.

I think my sense of humor is a bit off, because the part that made me start laughing out loud was the "Skippy, real name Marc, about how Mallory..." for some reason THAT was funny.

Because fire ant bites? Nothing funny about that missy. And I should know. Not only did I have to listen to conservative drivel at Sam's soccer practice tonight, I also got bit up the ying yang. That's just wrong - homophobic rants AND fire ants? How much can a poor girl take?

MadMad said...

Tang! Awesome! I'm probably too late to be of any actual help... but toothpaste. I swear. For next time. (Not that there will be a next time. But you know. In case.)

Denise said...

Target did that? Those scumbags.

Maybe they'll change it to vodka next.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

You're gonna rub your body against the tree like a meth addicted grizzly bear, eh? That may produce a new & hot dance craze!

LMAO! Too funny. I'm gonna go back a re-read it just for the laughs it brings.

Anonymous said...

Okay, you had me at the Skippy part. Were you interviewing with him in his "guest house" off Laurel Canyon? Was there the not so faint smell of reefer? Was a police report filed? Just asking.

P.S. it's Stef from Babyonbored.blogspot.com I can't seem to log in.