Highlights Of Last Week

Monday:

Pick up boys from day camp. On the way home, 6 year-old Sam casually mentions that he just got in trouble for calling another camper "The C-Word". After screaming, hyperventilating and swerving off the road to frantically dial 411 and demand the number to the nearest military school, hear Sam then explain that at Camp Turtle, the C-Word stands for "cheater".


Tuesday:

Try out new Wii Fit by standing on a computerized board for two minutes while the system performs a body assessment. System quickly reports back that, based on my ability to balance, I must "trip a lot when I walk" and then goes on to tell me that my "fit age" is that of a 62 year-old. Which at least explains why I eat dinner at 3 p.m. and like Johnny Mathis so much.


Wednesday:

After the boys ask to play with all the things they didn't have time for during the school year, spend morning pulling out toys, games and puzzles and setting them up in the playroom. Boys then play with the new toys for approximately 1.5 seconds before running away to whap each other with kitchen towels for the next three hours.


Thursday:

Watch trashy, new summer show "Swingtown" on CBS that's about the decay of the suburban family in 1976, then go to bed and have nightmares about it all night long. Because while the show's amoral wife swapping and casual drug use are perfectly fine, nobody should ever be forced to see those freaky 70's mustaches again. I mean, that shit's nasty.


Friday:

When closing bag of Veggie Booty, push too hard and force a cloud of bright, green veggie dust to suddenly shoot out and land directly in eyes. Stumble around kitchen screaming, "Oh, my God! I'm blind! I'M BLIND!" Since husband is on ground laughing and therefore unable to help, must then feel way to sink to rinse off kale and spinach residue and restore vision. Cry green tears.


Saturday:

After four year-old Jack suddenly announces that, in our house, "daddy is the boss" and "mommy is the waitress", sit him down for the longest lecture of his life, complete with the visual aids of bank statements, pie charts and forensic diagrams. Once Jack finally realizes that both mommy and daddy are the boss and that mommy's purpose in life isn't just to serve her kids, give him a nice, big hug. Then bring him a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of milk.


Sunday:

In grocery store parking lot, have space stolen by mean, terrible woman in a giant SUV. After she walks by, smugly sneering, angrily mutter under breath for a few minutes. When Sam asks, "What did you say?", simply smile and tell him, "Nothing, honey. Mommy just thinks that woman's a 'cheater' ".