Tuesday, March 04, 2008

A Day In The Life Of Me, As Reported By US Weekly Magazine

Holy housewife! WENDI AARONS is one busy lady! Besides raising two young sons, the married Austin, Texas stay-at-home mother, 39-ish, still vaccums her house daily and makes weekly trips to Target. How does she manage? "I don't!" she says. "Just look at these horrible dark circles and reptilian dishpan hands! I'm one hot suburban mess, y'all!"

As Wendi does her life's work of grocery shopping and housework, she lets Us follow her on a packed day.

6 A.M.
Rise, shine and wipe bottoms! Wendi staggers out of bed, then downs her first Diet Coke of the morning while brushing her teeth and pulling her hair into a limp, graying ponytail. No shower today!

8 A.M.
Wendi slouches into the elementary school assembly, totally rockin' an Old Navy sweatsuit and last summer's broken flip-flops. "Elastic waist pants are the new little black dress!" she predicts.

9 A.M.
Driving to the nearby preschool in her bird-crap covered Volvo, Wendi talks to her son JACK, 4, about how it's never a good idea to wipe your nose on the couch. "But by this point, I'm so good at stain removal," she tells Us, "I could probably get a job cleaning up grisly, underworld crime scenes!"

10 A.M.
Wendi folds laundry and turns on Bret Michaels: Rock of Love 2 on VH-1. While she watches, she hopes Bret remembers that every rose has its thorn. And that every contestant on a VH-1 dating show has a social disease.

12:30 P.M.
After a few exhilarating hours of dusting, Wendi grabs lunch, usually a Luna bar or something else that doesn't require actual plates or utensils. "One day I ate 14 sticks of string cheese!" Wendi boasts. "Then two days later, I had to go see an Internist!"

3 P.M.
Swiffer time!

5 P.M.
Choosing what's for dinner is never easy for Wendi ("I'd rather try on swimsuits!"), so tonight, she's taking it easy and letting the kids pick out the pizza topping. (Hint: It rhymes with "sneeze"!)

7 P.M.
Bedtime for the kids! Wendi kisses the boys good-night, then heads downstairs to try out new Texas hotspot The Couch. "I've been waiting to go there all day!" she reports. "I hear it's totally ultra-swank!"

8 P.M.-10 P.M.

Finally able to relax, Wendi spends the evening pursuing some of her other many interests. (Think Pinot Grigio and "American Idol".) "Damn, it's been a long day," she says. "And you know what? It's really not as glamorous as it sounds." Good-night, Wendi!


Jonny's Mommy said...

I too have found myself eating foods that do not require utensils. Cheese sticks are awesome -- as are peanut butter sandwiches, but only the first 1,800 times they are eaten while a child lays drooling across your lap, screaming in protests each time you attempt to carry him up the stairs to his own, much more comfortable, bed.

hokgardner said...

"Rhymes with sneeze"

I love it! That's all my kids will eat, too.

Kimberly said...

Sounds FANTASTIC! I would trade my job to stay home with my kiddo any day of the week.

kbass024 said...

Sounds FANTASTIC! I wish i could stay home with my kiddo rather then work my crappy job..however, mom has to pay the bills..sob,sob

Melissaria said...

Oh, that is just brilliant. Can we please all go away and pray to who or whatever we pray to that these magazines will actually do this for real? Here's mine:

6pm. Toddler (19 months) announces 'MAMA - POO'O'CLOCK' before going purple in the face for 10 seconds and then sitting down hard...what a comedian! Wet wipes at the ready...here we go!

Cheryl Prater said...

Do you mean to tell me that I'm not the only one rocking some old Navy stretched-till-hell-won't-have-it pants while guzzling white wine and groovin to Idol? Who knew? Of course, US magazine doesn't care that I do it, I'm just one little person among the legions of Wendi-Wannabes.

Don't go read my blog, ok? I don't think I've written anything funny/interesting since...maybe never.


Kelly Jene said...

Wow, you have that much motivation? Sheesh. I once had to talk with my stepson about why we don't stick boogers in the couch cushions. Ugh. The glamorous side of the job.

Lisa said...

I am visiting from Minivan Mom's blog, I am a friend of hers that lives here in Austin, too. I am a SAHM to two little ones, with one on the way. And girl, this post made me bust out laughing, several times. I went to Target today, without taking a shower. Amd my favorite spot to hit after the kids hit the hay (7:30pm here) is the couch to watch AI. You . are. hilarious.

Danielle said...

I too am a sahm, I have almost 4 year old twins...oy! Um, at least you wear your own sweats...I find DH's to be more comfy ;)

Btw, I really enjoy reading your blog. It keeps me laughing.

And about the cheese sticks...i've totally done that! Talk about being backed up! YIKES!

the mama bird diaries said...

oh my god.. you are too funny.

I love the "texas hotspot The Couch"

They have a similar happening place in New York City.

Queen Goob said...

WOW...you get to enjoy AI without the kids! Mine are teenagers and want to crowd with me onto the couch and bring the one-hundred pound dog with them. They have, however, learned not to wipe their noses on the couch; they have graduated to "snot rockets" competitions off the back porch with distance the determining factor on who receives the medal.

I have graduated from wine to beer....straight from the bottle (no messy glasses to wash afterwards for me!)

p.s. as a working single mom (dribble my comments with envy here) I’m actually required….yes required to shower on a week-day basis. I take weekends off.

Cyn said...

Wendi - hilarious. I, too, have done the string cheese thing. Also flopping on the couch to watch AI but my bevvy of choice is hot chocolate with a shot of Bailey's.

MadMad said...

Sub Grigio for Noir, and that's my life, too. Oh, wait. Swap out the Swiffering, too, cuz really, if the people want clean floors, they can lick 'em for all I care.

SueFromSC said...

BAHAHA Sounds like me! Except we don't have a target so I have to hang out at the BiLo and that's only in the alcohol section...I try to avoid cleaning like the plague so I generally stalk people on the internet (check your site meter). The thought of actually putting on clothes in the morning is enough to give me hives but I do it because if my neighbors see me out in the same pj's for the third day in a row, they may call someone :)

nellie said...

you are a great part of my weekly routine. i really have to tell you again, they are all gems.

hope the book is going well.


Kalieris said...

The TMI is even more fun when they're teenagers. As evidenced by my son announcing one day (while we were on the bus) that his little brown eye hurt and that there was blood on his poop that morning. People actually swiveled heads and stared at us (which means that iPod headphones are not, in fact, soundproof as my son would claim). When he was little, that would've been easier to handle, but at 13 my only options were to buy him his own tube of preparation-H and tell him to go ask his dad for help if needed. I hit a new low when I found myself asking him how his hemorrhoid was a couple days later. It's like toddlerhood and geriatricity all rolled into one sad little package.

Leslie Langtry said...

We've never met, but I think you are Gin Bombay - the heroine in my book 'SCUSE ME WHILE I KILL THIS GUY. I'm totally serious. Maybe we were separated at birth?

You are possibly the funniest woman I've never met.

Leslie Langtry

Chicago Sarah said...

:) You just made me appreciate our no-kids life. Someday, but right now, I have the luxury of cheese sticks as a hiking food and not a staple. Keep writing!

~ Denise said...

6:00 a.m. - CHECK (But I don't wipe butts anymore)

8:00 a.m. - CHECK CHECK

9:00 a.m. - *insert bird-crap covered Lexus here* otherwise CHECK

10:00 a.m. - *insert The View here* otherwise CHECK

12:30 p.m. - CHECK

3:00 p.m. - CHECK

5:00 p.m. - *insert drive through here* otherwise CHECK CHECK CHECK

7:00 p.m. - *insert Martini Park here* otherwise hell ya CHECK

8:00 - 10:00 p.m. - CHECK

Buffy said...

OK, I may have you beat on the lunch thing:
I ate 2 boxes (yes whole, brand-new ones) of Cinnamon Honey Graham Sticks and drank several unfinished cups of unknown colored water that I found laying around as I cleaned up the living room. (and, as a side note: how do my 4 children end up with 43.6 glasses of unfinished crap every day?????)

Shedder said...

And please remember that sugar rhymes booger. Coincidence? I think snot, I mean not.

Anonymous said...

Great writing style! Congrats on your nomination for PC Week. I couldn't believe it was real and googled you... I'm a mom too... CONGRATS!

Jordanna said...

Alert Jesus-

I Love you.

Das ende.