Spring Break. A time when a lot of people take family vacations to exotic places like Miami, Los Angeles, Lubbock. We ourselves just returned from a week-long trip to Kauai. It was wonderful. The weather was perfect, the flights were on time and the kids were so well behaved, they’ll probably make the Nobel Peace Prize short list this year.
I couldn’t be more depressed.
You see, vacation mishaps are a tradition in my family. My sisters and I saw America from the back seat of a pale green Country Squire station wagon. In the front seat were our parents, embroiled in a bitter map fight that continues to this day.
At least every one of our trips had one minor disaster, like the time we got trapped in the Sturgis, South Dakota biker rally. Or the time our car was towed by a giant, leather-clad San Franciscan man named Dr. Hook. Or the time we were camping in Arizona and all of our down sleeping bags ripped open, covering everyone with sticky, white feathers that had to be sprayed off with ice cold water from the campground hose. Then, of course, there was the legendary New Mexico mud puddle crash of 1978 that was so intense, it permanently sealed shut the wagon’s passenger doors. My dad still doesn't know how that one happened.
I knew my bad trips would continue into adulthood when the highlights of my honeymoon were a hurricane evacuation and an infestation of flying ants. And, of course, kids are born travel problems. I’m still apologizing to the passengers who suffered through a four-hour flight filled with my son’s repeated screams of “We’re going down, brotha!”
However, while I’ve learned that horrible vacations might not make you relaxed, they do make you popular. Come home talking about your great time and nobody gives a crap. But stagger in covered in bruises and lacerations and saying things like, “Thank God for the American embassy” or “You can bet those fuckers at Dollywood ain't never gonna see ME again!" and you’ve got an audience. That's why the real reason I want to visit Mexico has nothing to do with the sun and fun. It's because just one night in Mexican jail and I’m booked on the cocktail party circuit for the next two years.
I originally recorded a version of this for broadcast on Austin's NPR station, KUT, in March of 2007.
22 comments:
You are HILARIOUS !!! I went to Hawaii back in I believe 1992 or 1993. We flew there on an airline (I forget the name). But while there that airline went bankrupt (We found this out when we went to the airport to get our flight home). We had to spend 6 hours in Honolulu airport while the employees found us a flight home. FUN FUN FUN !
I'm so sorry everything went so well for you. Worse luck next year!
Our family also has a long tradition of vacation disasters, but nothing on the level of yours, it seems.
Then there was the tour my dad gave us of Washington, DC when I was in high school. It consisted of driving us around DC saying things like, "Look girls, there's the White House. Look girls, there's the Washington Monument. Look girls, there's the Smithsonian." Meanwhile we were in the back seat begging to be let out so we could actually see the sights, but no such luck.
Wendi,
You had me at "we're going down, brotha!" That is hysterical! Where did your son get that one from??
We've yet to fly w/ the kids. We'll be going to Disney in Sept. I'm sure I'll have a story for you!
I think you must have grown up with my parents..
We lived in Mexico for a few months when I was little and one time (though I was too young to remember I still pass the story on..) we were standing in a crowd. My sister (about five) got on a bus alone, the bus pulled away.. My mother freaked out, ran after the bus.. It stopped, thankfully.. Yeah, that's a popular family story..
My honeymoon was a tad better than yours. But let's just say we learned the hard way that oxcarts and elephants are definitely the WORST forms of transportation around..
"Come home talking about your great time and nobody gives a crap. But stagger in covered in bruises and lacerations..."
So true! I can't tell you much about the good trips, but could go on adnaseum about Kayenta, Arizona. The first stop on a 3 month cross country camping experience when I was 9. All it was was dirt, and my mom made us journal!
You are SO right! I have had scores of fantastic vacations but the one that gets the most play is the month long cross country road trip my parents forced us on when I was 17, my sister was 13, and my brother was 6. 13 year old girls don't typically get along with anyone let alone their 6 year old brother - who received a pair of handcuffs at an outpost in South Dakota. My sister was cuffed to nearly everything available for the length of the trip. That trip is still not a pleasant memory but it is most definietly a funny one!
I am headed to Wisconsin tomorrow for my spring break and a visit with my girlfriend's family. Last time I was there (Christmas), I drove the family car into the ditch....with the family in the car. I'll be sure to report back when I return....
LMFAO Too Funny!!
Ah yes Mexico!
Our first family vacation began with #4 son ..needing an appendectomy on the 2nd day.....& a Circumcision (Yes I said circumcision!) on the 3rd day. No one spoke frikin English & our Spanish consisted of "Dos cervezas por favor Senor!"
#3 son ended up with 3rd degree burns on his shoulders from sunburn!! & all of his brothers refused to sleep with him because he was shedding....he's been known as "Crusty" ever since!!
Of the 7 days we spent in Mexico...6 were spent in the hospital!
Ahhhhh....family vacations
hahaha
we went to Hawaii when I was a kid, and had our lugguage slashed open by airport security.. brother had bought toy guns and had them in the lugguage, who would of thought the replica guns would look like REAL ones on an xray machine??? duct taped luggage hmmm well it did make it back to aussieland.. isn't it funny that everyone loves to hear a bad story about a holiday???
my parents last holiday to Phuket was doomed from the start, dad was threatened with sacking from his work if he took holidays.. they lost mums lugguage, they had their duty free grog confiscated.. then my mum died while there.. Dad become good friends of DFAT (dept of foreign affairs / trade) and the local embassey!
Now thats a crap holiday!
I find comfort in my mums last words on the planet...
they were 'Tom I feel shitful'.. which makes me smile.. no 'the end is near, I love you' but shitful!
sums it up dont you think??? And she had a degree in linguistics.. even funnier I think!
take care and have a FANTASTIC holiday next year!
Lissa
Australia
Our family used to fight on vacations. We couldn't wait to get back just to get away from each other. HA!
My most memorable vacation was my honeymoon to Paris, France and the French Alps. It included our flight there being cancelled (the airline never even called to tell us!), our luggage arriving three days later and missing stuff once it got there, a bomb scare on the train ride from the airport to the city, AND our lovely stay in the Alps with my girlfriend (minus her boyfriend who ditched us at the last minute) and said girlfriend was pissy about it the whole time- what a freakin' nightmare! I was so mad at her for her behavior during our time together that I refused to speak to her for over a year- and I don't hold grudges, really : ).
ok i really don't laugh outloud when I'm reading and this...
"I’m still apologizing to the passengers who suffered through a four-hour flight filled with my son’s repeated screams of “We’re going down, brotha!”
...still has me laughing.
I wish you a future of terrible vacations. You really should have joined us in Boca. You would have loved it. One mishap after another.
"We're goin down brotha!" Oh that just about killed me. Too funny. I, too, saw much of my home state from the back of a huge dark green Buick station wagon. We went up in the mountains one time and Dad decided to see if the old Buick could go 4 byin -- nope... man we almost crashed that thing into a mountain side.
Here's to quiet vacations.
It's kind of like blogging, isn't it? It's only good when you got some bad stuff to tell! (Of course, thank God for blogging too, cuz now there's actually people to tell!)
I'm on that cocktail circuit and I STILL continue planning trips.
My next trip will be a real humdinger; heading south to stay with my sister. Yes folks that two - two - two for the price of one!!
If you go to Mexico please BELIEVE I wanna come too, staying a night in Mexican jail is on my list of things to do before I die. Hopefully it won't be, y'know, HOW I die. But still. Yes.
And take heart. You probably only had an awesome time because everyone there is buzzed on all that "clean air," whatever that's about. Oxygen, man... you'll feel that one in the mornin', let me tell ya.
Yes, agreed, I can keep a whole room fixated with tales of my experiences of bus and train journeys in China. The gritty buses and trains that real people use, that you also share with crates of chickens, not tourist class. Never again...
Still it was worth it for the memory of the look on my (now) ex-boyfriend's face, crossing his legs for another four hours because he couldn't pee in the filthy toilets we stopped in. Priceless.
I just found you and I'm your new stalker. Yep, your in my favorites now ... you can thank MOOHAA for this.
Wendi, you sound like you live at our house. ... here are some of our daily activities, which no one prepared me for.
Airplane fiasco as run-away poop gets away from me as we are descending.
DisneyWorld and not enough rum left....
Smells from the "what is supposed to be a Moutain Dew bottle" made into a urinal while driving...
There is so much more. I wish to meet you someday and give you a "nice-to-meet" you, but don't get "too close to me" hug.
You made my day.
A long time ago, my husband and I took our 4 yr. old son and our 4 mo. old son on a beach vacation with my family. One day, in the privacy of our bedroom I completely lost it and bitched my husband out about all of the things he was not doing right! Unfortunately, I had forgotten to turn off the baby moniter. My entire family heard everything! When we came downstairs they gave HIM their condolences. TRAITORS!!!
I damn near peed my pants reading that. Fabulous! I be subscribing right NOW.
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