Monday, February 18, 2008

Lessons Learned Last Week


1. A person should not have to eat 10 boxes of the Girl Scouts' "Thin Mints" before they finally figure out that the cookies are not, in fact, a weight-loss product.

2. When out running errands, it's a good idea to always look your best. Otherwise, certain squinty-eyed salespeople in the Nordstrom purse department may look at your mismatched socks, coffee stained t-shirt and "Monster Garage" baseball hat and just assume that you're a potential shoplifter they need to follow. And then you'll have to buy your new purse at the Dollar Store.

3. If you're planning to watch CNN, make sure your young son is not in the room watching along with you. Otherwise, he may spend the next two days with a blanket over his head, yelling, "Mommy! You have a suspicious package!" and demanding that you go find some dogs to come sniff him.

4.
When Mandy Jo in exercise class asks, "Are all y'alls asses on fahr today, too?", what she is actually saying is, "I am experiencing some muscle soreness in my gluteal region this morning. Are you as well?" You should then respond by grabbing your bottom, groaning loudly and yelling, "Oh, hail yeah, Mandy girl! My ass be hurtin' like a bee-yotch today!" Then she will like you and not move your mat to the back of the room next to Stinky Tank-Top Guy.

5. It is better to buy your kids' Valentine's Day candy at Target and not the discount store. Unless, of course, you actually want candy conversation hearts that say things like, "Fax Me!", "Sole Mate" and "I Loe You" and make your kids look like semi-literate playah hatahs.

6. If it buys you an extra 15 minutes of sleep, it's OK to pay your son $1.00 to wipe his own bottom. Two bucks if he doesn't tell you about it afterwards.















20 comments:

Tranquilled said...

That was hilarious! I especially liked the thing about the candy hearts. I actually got one that said, "Fax Me" once. I was mortified, considering the fact that a four-year-old had given it to me.

Moi said...

I was at the Dollar Store (looking for purses, obviously ... my hat says Guinness), and saw Homies valentines. They picture economically disadvantaged youths surrounded by graffiti, espousing their peers to Keep It Real.

I only wish I had bought them to send to my SAHM homies.

pat said...

well, the dollar per butt wipe just does it for me..if I just had a dollar for every time.....too funny!

coffeypot said...

Hello! I am here from Cooper Green's site. I have posted your open letter about tampons and was told you were here. Had I know about you before I posted it I would have asked for your permission. As you know, that letter has been all around the world. I received in via e-mail. If you have the inkling, stop by my place some time. Thanks for the laugh.

the mama bird diaries said...

hilarious.

as i was putting on Sesame Street, my 3 year-old caught a couple seconds of a tv show where someone got shot and fell to the floor.

She said, why is he lying on the floor?

I responded, b/c he's playing a game.

What kind of game?

Just a fun fun game. Oh look Elmo is on now. Let's just watch.

Tiffany Anne said...

i never considered paying the kids to wipe their own bottoms. lucky for me, they now know that i know better and won't do it for them (they are COMPLETELY capable...just sometimes lazy) and so only ask their parents (mostly daddy, who is easy) and not me.

Cyn said...

2. When I worked in retail stores, believe it or not, the cruddiest- looking were the wealthiest. I assume they had nothing to prove. It doesn't work for me, though. I, too, get the hairy eyeball at Nordstrom.

6. I told my kid, 4 years, still pooped in his pull-up at night, that he had to clean himself up. From that day forward it get that extra 15 mins of sleep.

mammaren said...

So, you're saying Thin Mints aren't on the "body for life" plan? Dammit! That's what it is.. I swear those things are laced with opiates.. and where did you say you take yoga? I swear there's s stinky tank top guy in every class eh??

Rock on WA

Anonymous said...

Lesson learned a long time ago...
the best mom in the world still got blamed for everything that ever went wrong in her child's life. So if they are going to talk about us in therapy anyway, we might as well give them something good to say and get their money's worth.
-Candy
(sorry to be anonymous, I'm still figuring out this blogging stuff)

Amber in Albuquerque said...

What gets the 'hairy eyeball' at Nordstrom makes you a 'preferred customer' at the local comic book store, which is where I buy my used (cheap) Pokemon cards. I mean it's where I buy my kids' used Pokemon cards...yeah, that's what I meant.

jen ruddock said...

Sage advice, my friend, sage advice.

MadMad said...

Hey, as long as he's not wiping with the dollar, all's fair. Hell, he can wipe with it, too, actually. What do we care? It's a buck for 15 minutes extra sleep. Totally worth it.

Marie said...

Now that is food for thought. I've been trying to figure out how to get my kids to wipe their own bums. Bribery eh? Hmmmmm.

Tracey R. said...

Love this.

I have been known to tell the kids they can have two cups of chocolate milk (versus the usual mandated one) for breakfast if they just. stop. asking. me. for another 10 minutes and let me stay in bed. You do what you gotta do.

kim said...

All y'all are cracking me up. At work. And people are looking!

Re: Nordstrom - I have actually driven by the mall because I was dressed inappropriately. Is that a bit insane? Maybe....

TLCknits said...

Totally hilarious!...

hokgardner said...

Don't hate me, but I once lost weight during GS cookie season. Of course, all I at were GS cookies. I probabaly lost the weight out of sheer malnourishment.

Queen Goob said...

Well at least I no longer have to wipe my kid’s butts BUT the cost of bribery goes up when trying to avoid having to look at the shapes and dimensions of their poop before they flush the toilet....

Anonymous said...

okay. seriously. get your schtuff together and publish a book.

Gypsy said...

I also posted that letter you wrote to Mr Thatcher because I have never laughed so much in my life over "junk mail". Every now and then you get a real gem and I just had to share it. I also would have asked your permission but have just found out where you are. Hope it was ok. If it's any consolation it was very much appreciated by my readers so just know you put a smile on a lot of dials with your fabulous humour. Mind if I link you?