Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Coke-Dependency


I love Diet Coke. Love it. It is my strength. It is my weakness. It is the Big Gulp swiggin’ monkey on my back. But Diet Coke really is nature’s perfect drink. No sugar, no calories, no nutrients—just a sweetass canful of chemicals that somehow managed to squeak by the FDA’s stringent approval process and now rests happily in the shaky hands of housewives everywhere. It’s manna from heaven, only in convenient 12-pack form.

My relationship with Diet Coke began many, many years ago, right after I broke up with bitter bastard TAB and rejected his fake, lying ways. I was hurt, I was sad, I was pretty damn close to having a one night stand with that loser Mello Yello. But then, just when I had almost given up hope of ever finding true, no-calorie love, my salvation suddenly arrived, bursting out of a secret Atlanta laboratory and sending a river of tiny, caramel-colored bubbles straight into my thirsty, waiting mouth. It was my carbonated soul mate, my tooth-staining sweetheart, my knight in shining aluminum. And we, Diet Coke and I, were destined to live happily ever after.

Almost.

Because while I’ve been forever faithful to Diet Coke, straying only when I was pregnant and returning just as soon as the epidural wore off, unfortunately, tragically, Diet Coke hasn’t always been so true to me. Alas, DC’s been a bit of a playah. A hustlah. A no-good, unfaithful jackass comin' home late with someone else’s lipstick on its sharp, metal rim. Yep, Diet Coke wanted to play the field. See what else was out there. Maybe experiment a little. So it began to betray me.

First, it stepped out with Caffeine-Free. Then, cheated on me with Splenda. Then finally, one wild weekend in Miami, it went into a dark Cuban bar and hooked up with that brazen hussy Lime. Lime. But each time, each time it left me, I took it back. I said I understood. I said that I knew it was just trying to find itself and we were still meant to be together, right, baby? Right?

But now, now Diet Coke has forsaken me again and this time, I fear my heart won’t recover. Because this time, Diet Coke is gettin' its syrupy ass off the couch and joining a gym. It wants to be healthy. Fit. A little less carcinogenic, if you will. So now DC has added vitamins and minerals into its regular harmful formula and is calling itself Diet Coke Plus. Uh-huh. Vitamins and minerals. In Diet Coke. For the love of God, what's next? Whole grain cigarettes? Anti-oxidant Miller High Life? Slim Jim Soy?


While I'm sure that crap like niacin, B6, B12, zinc and magnesium is actually good for you, does it really belong in a drink that comes with a lid and a straw? That's available in 72 ounces? That explodes when it touches a Mentos? Or should those nutrients instead just be found in, oh, I don’t know, food? I just don't think that everything I eat or drink needs to be healthy-fied. After all, I’m a grown-up and supposedly know what’s good for me (fruit) and what isn’t (heroin) and should be able to choose, right? And my heart wants what it wants--that same ol' no vitamins, no minerals, no purpose bad boy of a drink I first chose all those many years ago.


So, listen up, Diet Coke and stop trying to change. I already know you're no good for me.


But baby, I love you anyway.



44 comments:

Kelly Jene said...

Hi, my friend Gypsy pointed me your way. Did you really write that letter to Always? Cuz seriously if you did (whether you sent it or not) you are my hero. hehehe

Great post. My crack is Sierra Mist Free. Can't get enough. Must. Have. More.

Take care!

Marie said...

Excellent post, Stumbled ya.

annenahm said...

I am addicted to Diet Coke worse than I ever was to cigarettes. True story.

kim said...

My rapidly pounding little heart hears ya and says, "Amen, Sister woman!"

TLCknits said...

OK.. I'm droolin woman!.. I'm on the other side of the fence.. Hi -I'm a diet-pepsiholic.. it's been 22 days since my last Diet Pepsi!..

hokgardner said...

I've never liked any diet drink, but I went caffeine free a month ago, giving up my afternoon half can of coke was worse than giving up coffee. I switched to caffeine free coke, but really, what's the point?

coffeypot said...

I, too, am a lover of DC, but now I am two-timing it with Coke Zero. Now it depends on the mood as to which one I take. Do they even make TAB anymore? Maybe for shining shoes?

MadMad said...

You're gonna have to make some room on the Always Award shelf, now...

But seriously - what ARE they thinking? It's like multi-grain chips - what's up with that?!

~ Denise said...

I may like this one even better than the Always letter. If that is possible. You rock!

Tracey R. said...

Brilliant.

Amy said...

Love it and know what you mean! I have only enough will power to stop me from getting my 3rd DC in the morning. Then there are some days when I crack and have to have just...one...more.

the mama bird diaries said...

Wait... fruit is good and heroin is bad?

This is hilarious: Whole grain cigarettes and anti-oxidant Miller High Life

I am allergic to Diet Coke. Or some chemical in it. Makes my gums all puffy and weird. So I will never steal your lover.

What about Fresca?

Dena said...

Suggestion: Don't drink your beloved D.C. before we go to yoga. It could be really embarrassing. For everyone.

Anonymous said...

Since the topic is at hand ... I (heart) the plus. I tried on several occasions to take vitamins in the oh-so-popular pill form only to be met with up-chuckiness results. The first time I tried DC "plus" I got a little woozy, so I know it has "something" in it. I drink it all the time now, with no repercussions. It's nice to know I'm getting "something" since I pretty much only eat microwave meals.

It's only wrong until they start selling vitamin-infused Twinkies.

-a dude

Sans Pantaloons said...

I have recently experienced the consumptive endearment of Diet Coke. Sugar-Free, Caffeine-Free narco-bubbles have elbowed their way into my otherwise Afternoon-Tea existence, this brought about by a visiting relative. I know this is wrong. I am not hooked.

Help.

SueFromSC said...

BAHHAAAAA Let DC know I'm still ticked at it because after I got my gall bladder out, it actually gives me pain when I drink it.

Tell it I miss it but the pain it causes me is unbearable---maybe it's from the cheating? I had to, sadly, start drinking the lesser of 2 evils and have reduced myself to Diet Pepsi. THE HORROR!

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

I just gave up Diet Coke a few weeks ago. His lying and cheating could be forgiven but the constant bloating he caused, well I just couldn't take it anymore! I still weep whenever I think of him though. I'll never find a love like that again.

Anonymous said...

hi

heromum said...

I hear ya! ...but I've been seduced by sexy coke zero.

BTW ...wholegrain cigarettes -LMFAO!

Queen Goob said...

Thank goodness I'm an "all-natural" kinda gal; no preservatives for me. Nope, I drink real coffee, with real sugar and real milk (no 2% half-assed loser for me). And I enjoy it with a cigarette made from real tobacco. And if I've been a "real"ly good girl I'll end my intoxication with a real chocolate bar.

....come to the dark side....

Mistress_Heather said...

I love your writing and have been enjoying your blog for sometime. Keep it you bring a smile to my face!!

Persephone said...

Diet Coke . . . I considered starting a religion based on it. Seemed like a little too much effort really.

Private shrines, that's the way to go.

pat said...

Great timetable of DC's history!

Melissaria said...

You are very funny. But Diet Coke is truly evil. It has one good aspect - the ability to make me laugh when I see a fat person ordering a Huge Lard Pie, Large Greasy Fries, a Deep Fried Mars Bar and a Diet Coke please...

Oh, the irony and the tragedy of it all.

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy I found you. The Always letter is getting forwarded around in an email. I googled you b/c I was sure you were a pro. And here you are. I've spent the last hour catching up. Going forward I will be sprinkling my conversation with bon mots lifted straight outta your little blog here. (so don't get too popular or I'll be uncovered as the fraud I am)

CCT said...

I too worship at the altar of diet coke. Alas, I am also pregnant. Your post made my mouth water like a Pavlovian dog. Pretty sure bringing up the topic in the presence of one with a kick-boxing ninja in her abdomen is an offense punishable by law ;)

Kady said...

I have been worshipping at the temple of the DC since my wee days. I even made a pilgrimage to that holiest of holy places: the coke factory in Atlanta, where at the end of the tour, you can drink like thousands of different versions of all coke beverages to your caffeine laden heart's content.

And, alas, not even pregnancy could not deter my DC addiction. They came up with a new term, "coke-baby," for the spawn of my love affair with DC.

But Slim Jim Soy? That sounds like nutricious deliciousness. That is something I could sink my teeth into. Would it stilll have that eewy chewy goodness?

VikingLady said...

See, this is why I'm still f***ing Coca-Cola Classic. Because I knew this "Diet" business would just be one slippery slope of shenanigans after another. In your fancy world of sweeteners and paint thinners, MY baby still rocks the tight white t-shirt with a pack of cigarettes rolled up in the sleeve. Don't act like we don't all think that's hot!

Speaking of which, I think I still have some enamel left on my teeth. Back to the beverage fridge I go!

marathon mom said...

Oh and I am a snob about how I get my diet coke. It HAS to be from a can bottled in Texas. No plastic bottles and the fountain has saccharin. A cold 2-liter without ice, only in emergencies.

Jess - The Domestic Vegan said...

Like a lot of people, I Googled your name after receiving your infamous "Always" letter in an email. I am SO pleased to see that you're real. And real hilarious! This post is too much... I am trying to be all stealth & secretive while reading blogs at work, but yours made me drool water from laughing so hard.

I'll be back. Again & again.

mammaren said...

OH Wendi

I think I may weep with gratitude over this perfectly constructed piece.. I too, am an addict. It started for me in High School when I figured out that DC gave me just enough "oompf" to get thru Calc II at 2 pm but had no calories.. The addiction then turned worse when I was out on my own and it became my breakfast. I have tried over and over again to swear it off. Never works. I am fully addicted. No Zero for me and I will seriously kick your ass if you buy the Splenda version of it and try to give it to me. I know exactly what I like, that beautiful little silver box in my fridge.. those sexy little cans rolling out to meet me.. ahhh, peace. When I was pregnant, I even tried the caff free. I couldn't hack it and ended up still drinking it. I am quite sure one day they will find all kinds of tumors on my brain from all the DC I have consumed. I remain unashamed of my addiction and have tried to remember it is in fact legal to consume (altho some days I believe it really shouldn't be..)
I agree, tho, no DC before yoga. In fact, I have tried very hard to swear it off until after breakfast. It's tough though.. If there is ever a 12 step program near, let me know. I will be there.. Oh, and a note aside.. I spent a few months overseas in the Middle East. There was NO DC over there, only regular coke. OH how I suffered.. I settled on regular pepsi b/c well, regular Coke makes me want to gag.. (crazy, huh??).. But I returned very quickly to my master when I got home..
Brilliant post.. as always..

milk&cookies said...

classic! you kick ass with your writing. i ALWAYS (pun intended, but only saw it coming at the last minute really) laugh out loud at your posts. thank you for being s'goshdarn Funny honey! ;) sadly, i'm one of the regular josettes whose crack is chocolate in any form i can get it. i'd shoot it up if i could.

Christy said...

Hi, my name is Christy and I am still addicted to Tab. People say "bitter aftertaste" like it's a bad thing. He's not bad, just misunderstood...

daphne said...

My sentiments exactly. I swear I can feel my 1st DC of the day going through my veins.

I feel the same way about Oreo cookies. Why mess with a perfect food. Do we really need blue and pink Oreos?

Lisa said...

Wendi--

you are the queen and it was perfect.

Lisa

innazim said...

1. I agree heartily. please no vitamins in my chemicals. my body will rebel.

2. dangit, now after reading this blog entry i have to go spend my last quarter on DC manna. possibly caffeine free, since i've already had two diet mountain dews today. WHEEEEEEEEE.

Anonymous said...

Ah, what can I tell you; I’ve been playing the field myself for years! Diet Coke and all his changeable impulsive gang of wannabes have been tried and done many times. I even really neglected him over the last few years to save some money by making gallon pitchers of green tea that are in my refrigerator constantly and adding enough NutraSweet or Splenda to sink a battleship! But then, that’s my home life. When I go out to party, it is still my significant other Diet Coke (now that his new buddy Bacardi showed me how to really party along with him it has revived our relationship quite a bit!!

Arthur Dent said...

It sounds a lot with my relationship with beer, only with a lot less "stepping out" on its part.

Elizabeth said...

Hi. Glad to see I'm not the only one.

OR

Hi, my name is Betsey, and I'm a Diet Pepsi freak. Truly. My veins jump for the caffienated battery acid.

:)

Caré said...

Whole grain cigarettes and anti-oxidant Miller High Life? Slim Jim Soy?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!

I HATE DC+. It makes me gassy.

Anonymous said...

Hoo boy!

www.blacktable.com/gillin040317.htm

dogmom said...

I had no idea there were so many others joining me in my worship of DC! A spontaneous haiku in DC's honor:

glimpse a silver can
endorphins course through my veins
my soul soars with joy

R Jeter said...

The most brilliant writing I've seen since, uh, since MTV was a music channel!!!

Bonnie said...

I am sure that you will probably never notice this post, because of the amount of comments. If I didn't have DC I would curl up & die. It is the nectar of the Gods. They really should make a patch so I can get off the stuff.