A Recipe For A Disaster

Dear Mrs. Aarons,

Well, it's that time of year again. Time for our school to put together its annual Holiday Family Recipe book. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how very special this book is to both parents and children alike. After all, is there a more glorious way to celebrate the spirit of the season than with the sharing of traditional family recipes? I know my family's Christmas Eve night wouldn't be the same without "Joshua B.'s Favorite Egg Noggy". Yum!

Now, we know you've tried to participate in this project over the years and we thank you. However, seeing as how there have been some, well, issues with most of your recipe submissions, this year the school administration has decided to give you some better guidelines as to what exactly constitutes a traditional holiday recipe. Please see below.

Acceptable Recipes:

Grandma's Sugar Cookies

Aunt Sally's Cornbread Stuffing

The Peterson's Pumpkin Pie


Unacceptable Recipes:

A label of ingredients torn off of a package of Oreos

The phone number to the Hilton Hotel's restaurant

The phone number to the Marriott Hotel's restaurant

The phone number to SuperTarget's deli counter

Alcoholic drinks
(Even if your recipe for "MindWiper Vodka Punch" has been passed down for 3 generations)

Coupons for the Hoodia Rush appetite suppressant for "all the ladies who need to drop a few" and/or "all the ladies who like a good holiday buzz, y'all"

Recipes stolen from well-known chefs
(FYI: just because you stood in line behind Emeril one time at Best Buy does not mean you can then pass off his recipes as belonging to your family)
(And "cajun" isn't spelled with a "k")

Photographs of live turkeys with the caption, "Bang!"

And finally, a piece of paper upon which is written, "Just leave me the hell alone and turn on the goddamn Food Network"

We sincerely hope you'll take these suggestions to heart and submit something that can actually be included in this year's book. I know we would appreciate it. (And so would your children.) Now, best of luck and happy holidays!

What the Guy in Front of Me at the Rental Car Agency Said When Told They Were Giving Him a Kia Sorrento as an Upgrade

Then what the hell do you people consider a downgrade?

While I'm Away

Please remember to:

1. Pack the boys' lunches for school. Feel free to put in anything you want. Except for apples. Or candy. Oh, and peanut butter. NEVER put in peanut butter. Or any peanut products, for that matter. (Ethan W. in the 1st grade has an allergy.) (Poor thing.) But other than that, any food is fine. Unless it's pizza day in the cafeteria, in which case you don't have to pack a lunch. Just a juice box. Unless, of course, it's also juice box day in the cafeteria, which means you don't have to send anything at all. But just make sure it's apple juice box day. Not grape juice box day. We hate grape juice box day.

2. Buy a present for Ethan B.'s birthday party. Remember, Ethan B. is the one who likes trains, not pirates. It's Ethan G. who likes pirates. Although his mom says he's kind of growing out of that now, but who knows. Remember when we thought that about Sam and dinosaurs? Boom, two more years of T-Rex crap. But at any rate, I think Ethan B. still likes trains, so get him one of the ones that isn't covered in lead paint. Target should have them. And the party will be on Saturday at Jump Around. Not the Jump Around down south, but the Jump Around over by that restaurant where I got food poisoning. Not the shrimp restaurant where I got sick, the other one. With the skanky hostesses.

3. Load the dishwasher. (It's the silver, square thing to the right of the sink. You might remembering installing it.)

4. Take Jack to soccer practice. But remember, it's not at the usual field this week. It's at the other field. You know, the field that's over by the thing with the stuff? And it's our week to provide the after-game snacks, so whatever you do, don't forget to take something with you to the game. The Team Mom doesn't like it if you forget. Trust me on this. Also, be sure you bring something healthy. The Team Mom doesn't like transfats, either.

5. Clean the house before the housecleaners come on Friday.

6. Buy a present for Ethan S.'s birthday. I think he likes "Transformers", but that might be Joshua I'm thinking of. I always get them confused. Anyway, you might want to call his mother and ask her what he likes. But be sure you don't call her in the late afternoon because she's usually a little tipsy around then. Girlfriend likes to put on her Mary J. Blige and get the dance party started, if you know what I mean. But who can blame her, really? I'd drink like a demented sailor if I was married to that hairy loser, too. Oh, and the party's at that Chuck E. Cheese that had termites last month. You know the one.

7. Feed the cats. Every day. Both of them. You must remember to do this because if you forget, they will exact their revenge upon our mattress. And then I will exact my revenge upon you.

8. Feed the kids. Every day. Both of them. (See above.)

9. Help Sam rehearse his lines for the school's Thanksgiving Day play. Remind him that great actors are born, not made. Even the ones who got stuck with the lame-ass part of Turkey #3.

10. Buy a present for Michael F.'s birthday. Or on second thought, don't. Nobody likes him, anyway.

So that's it. Good luck with everything. And if you need to reach me, I'll be staying at that place by the thing. Not the place by the whatchamacallit, but the place by the thing. You know the one.

The Book Club

How was your book club tonight?

Not so good.

What happened? Did the wine run out?

No.

The cheesecake?

No.

Did you confuse William Shakespeare with William Shatner again?

No, and will you please stop bringing that up? I'm upset because I finally realized how shallow all of those women are.

Really? The Bookanistas?

Here we are, a group of educated, smart women and all anyone wanted to talk to me about was...my shoes. My shoes! How shallow is that? Not to mention, completely cliche. I mean, come on, are we a book club or just a bad Sarah Jessica Parker movie waiting to happen? And the worst part was, nobody even asked me what I thought about the book we read.

What book was it?

Like I know. Something about a guy who runs with kites. But the point is, I didn't join a book club to talk about SHOES. I joined so that once a month, I can have an intelligent discussion about something important in the world, like the conflict in the...the...you know.

Middle East.

Or the situation in the...place...with the...sand...

The Persian Gulf.

Or even the documentary I watched last night.

I don't think "What Not To Wear" is a documentary.

But the thing is, I'm an intelligent, interesting person! I'm cultured, I'm well read, I'm opinionated, so obviously, I have a lot more to talk about than shoes. Besides, do I look like I even care about fashion?

Um...is there a right answer?

So my question is, how come all anyone had to say to me tonight was, "Did you get new shoes?"

Maybe because you have a three-inch long price tag from Marshall's hanging off of your right heel.

Ohhhh. Huh. Yeah, I just got them yesterday. Aren't they cute?

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