What I’m Trying Really Hard Not To Scream At The Girl In The Coffee Shop Who Won’t Shut The Hell Up

Shut the hell up.

Does anyone here look like they give a crap about your cat’s shedding problem?

Here’s $10. Get a mustache wax, Castro.

How many minutes are on your phone plan? Twenty thousand?

MATTHEW FOX! IT’S MATTHEW FOX!! THAT’S THE NAME OF “THAT GUY” WHO STARS IN “THAT SHOW ABOUT THE ISLAND THINGY”, OK?

Here's an idea: get a frickin’ dictionary so you can expand your verbal repertoire beyond “Oh my God, Madison” and “That sucks”.

Next time you go to the bathroom, I’m spitting non-fat latte on your chair.

What the Citibank Customer Service Representative Heard In the Background When I Called to Check On My Account:

Mommy, I pooped!

Did you hear me, mommy? I poooooped!

Hey, it's green!

I'm flushing now! Bye, green poop! I love you!

Where are you, mommy? Mommy! I need my bottom wiped!

Mommommymommymom!!

Never mind, mommy, I just used my shirt. Was that a good idea? Hey, who are you talking to in the closet?