How To Make Gingerbread Men

Step 1: Mix together flour, ginger, baking soda, cinnamon, shortening, butter, sugar and molasses. If out of an ingredient, OK to substitute packets of Splenda stolen from Starbucks.

Step 2: While dough refrigerates for 1 hour, clean kitchen and/or watch "The Real Housewives of Orange County" to see what that cougar Tami is up to this week. Wonder what it's like to have an immobile top lip.

Step 3: Roll out dough on lightly floured surface. After 20 minutes, finally understand why hillbilly women hit people with rolling pins.

Step 4: Press rolled dough into non-stick gingerman cookie pan bought at Williams-Sonoma for large amount of money. Quickly realize money would have been better spent on prepackaged cookies. Or six-pack. Say something nasty about Rachel Ray.

Step 5: Place Gingermen in oven and set timer for 8 minutes. Remove from oven as soon as timer dings or kids ask, "Why is there a black cloud in the kitchen, mommy?"

Step 6: While Gingerpeople cool, scoop store-bought frosting into five different bowls. Pour in food coloring and mix. Frosting is now every color of the rainbow. So are fingertips and cashmere socks.

Step 7: Call boys into kitchen and set them loose on decorating Gingermen. Smile at the lovely Christmas memory in the making and hope cookies will be cute enough to bring to the Preschool Mother's Holiday social tomorrow.

Step 8: Take a look at finished Gingerbread Men.



Lose all hope.

Step 9: Tell boys that after 3 hours of baking, they've made the freakiest batch of Gingerbread Men you've ever seen. But also the best. Sit down in front of fire and bite off heads 'til bedtime.