While I'm Away

Please remember to:

1. Pack the boys' lunches for school. Feel free to put in anything you want. Except for apples. Or candy. Oh, and peanut butter. NEVER put in peanut butter. Or any peanut products, for that matter. (Ethan W. in the 1st grade has an allergy.) (Poor thing.) But other than that, any food is fine. Unless it's pizza day in the cafeteria, in which case you don't have to pack a lunch. Just a juice box. Unless, of course, it's also juice box day in the cafeteria, which means you don't have to send anything at all. But just make sure it's apple juice box day. Not grape juice box day. We hate grape juice box day.

2. Buy a present for Ethan B.'s birthday party. Remember, Ethan B. is the one who likes trains, not pirates. It's Ethan G. who likes pirates. Although his mom says he's kind of growing out of that now, but who knows. Remember when we thought that about Sam and dinosaurs? Boom, two more years of T-Rex crap. But at any rate, I think Ethan B. still likes trains, so get him one of the ones that isn't covered in lead paint. Target should have them. And the party will be on Saturday at Jump Around. Not the Jump Around down south, but the Jump Around over by that restaurant where I got food poisoning. Not the shrimp restaurant where I got sick, the other one. With the skanky hostesses.

3. Load the dishwasher. (It's the silver, square thing to the right of the sink. You might remembering installing it.)

4. Take Jack to soccer practice. But remember, it's not at the usual field this week. It's at the other field. You know, the field that's over by the thing with the stuff? And it's our week to provide the after-game snacks, so whatever you do, don't forget to take something with you to the game. The Team Mom doesn't like it if you forget. Trust me on this. Also, be sure you bring something healthy. The Team Mom doesn't like transfats, either.

5. Clean the house before the housecleaners come on Friday.

6. Buy a present for Ethan S.'s birthday. I think he likes "Transformers", but that might be Joshua I'm thinking of. I always get them confused. Anyway, you might want to call his mother and ask her what he likes. But be sure you don't call her in the late afternoon because she's usually a little tipsy around then. Girlfriend likes to put on her Mary J. Blige and get the dance party started, if you know what I mean. But who can blame her, really? I'd drink like a demented sailor if I was married to that hairy loser, too. Oh, and the party's at that Chuck E. Cheese that had termites last month. You know the one.

7. Feed the cats. Every day. Both of them. You must remember to do this because if you forget, they will exact their revenge upon our mattress. And then I will exact my revenge upon you.

8. Feed the kids. Every day. Both of them. (See above.)

9. Help Sam rehearse his lines for the school's Thanksgiving Day play. Remind him that great actors are born, not made. Even the ones who got stuck with the lame-ass part of Turkey #3.

10. Buy a present for Michael F.'s birthday. Or on second thought, don't. Nobody likes him, anyway.

So that's it. Good luck with everything. And if you need to reach me, I'll be staying at that place by the thing. Not the place by the whatchamacallit, but the place by the thing. You know the one.