Thursday, August 02, 2007
For Sale: Two Cats, Slightly Used
Attention cat lovers! The opportunity of a lifetime has finally arrived! You, yes YOU, can now own two of the WORLD'S FINEST FELINES! Yes, friends, it's true. For a limited time only, the dashing duo known to their current owners as "the Jackass Twins" is FOR SALE! Unbelievable! Yes, they're cute, they're cuddly, they're incontinent and now they can be YOURS! Oh, for the love of God, somebody pinch me!
You see, people, due to a rather unfortunate incident involving a king size mattress, brand new 500-thread count sheets and various odoriferous substances currently being tested in a downtown forensic lab, these amazing cats must now look for a "NEW GODDAMN PLACE TO LIVE"! Heartwrenching! But fear not, fur fans, because their loss is your gain!
Just think for a moment, friends---is there anything more fun and rewarding than living with two 15 year-old cats? Oh, hell to the no! Why, just imagine the joy you'll have with these furballs during the 20 minutes a day they're awake. Watch them track pee-filled litter clumps all over your newly washed floors! Listen to them start whining for food at 5:30 a.m.! Whack yourself out on four different medications for your now debilitating cat allergies! And shake your head in wonder when their daily pukefests on your off-white carpet create permanent stains that greatly reduce the value of your home! Oh, Lawdy! Calls up the doctah 'cause I gots me sum dat Cat Scratch Fevah! Meeee-owww!
How much does a deal like this cost, you ask? $100? $200? $300? NO WAY! For a limited time only, both cats are available for WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT TO PAY! Cash, credit, Chuck E. Cheese tokens, we'll take it! Yowza! Plus, if you order in the next hour, we'll throw in a Boodaloo litter box, non-melamine tainted cat food and a case of carpet cleaner! Wow! We must be CRA-ZAY-ZEE! So call and order your cats today before they once again do something kind of cute and redeem themselves! These babies won't last! ORDER NOW!
Offer not valid in the continental U.S. Shipping and handling not included. No C.O.D.'s. Actual cats may be more annoying than advertised.
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12 comments:
Oh dear. I'm thinking perhaps we may have their matching cat mate. Lucky. Almost 17.
But, I'm going to have to endure.
The horking isn't great. The sleeping is pretty all day. The shitting is intermittently not good. But it's SMALL shit.
Yes, I guess I have about five years left of having them take out their revenge on our bed when we go out of town. Whoopee.
My kids have been begging me to replace our melamine-fed cat... thank you for reminding me why I haven't yet!
I'm glad I'm not the only one who has issues with the cat using our bed as a litter box when we go out of town. It's not like he spends a week home alone, the cat sitter visits (at least she tells me she does), but now, the question asked isn't, "Did you lock the house?" the question asked as we back out of the driveway now is, "Is the bedroom door closed?"
Oh fer the lurve of god, woman, stop before Bossy giggles herself out of her wine haze!
Chuckeecheese tokens! Ha.
I'd probably just let them loose in the woods and hope they dont find their way home.
I feel the same way about my Turd Terrorists. Wanna trade?
I've got 9 of the beasts! Ever consider using tarps as bed spreads? The blue and green ones are nice!
Great. With my luck, this offer has expired. Or the cats did.
How on earth did you get your hands on my exact fucking cats? You'll be thrilled to know I just spent $1000 to find out the fur skeleton prefers Fancy Feast. Wish I was kidding.
My boy cat tinkles on the bed... not out of spite or old age... but apparently he gets himself a little too excited when he's cleaning what's left of his manhood!!
Best investment ever... My Mambe waterproof blanket!!
When did you come to my house and spy on my cats? I've gone through the up and down "I'm getting rid of you" and the "Awww, that's so cute". Hurry, before it's too late. The cute moments arrive before you know it. Hence, the real reason I still have two cats.
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